Diesel had lent me since the last couple of mornings had been unseasonably cool. Naturally, the thing fell to my knees. “Fill the feeders, fill the water-ers, spread out the kitchen scraps. Have a little chat with the girls, catch up on the gossip. No problem.”
Diesel grinned and grabbed me as I came through the kitchen so he could press a kiss to my mouth. “I lied before.”
I blinked. “You did?”
“Uh-huh. Now you’ve never been sexier to me.” He winked.
I sighed as I let myself out the back door and down to the chicken run.
I got out the hose first and cleaned out Diesel’s watering system, which was easy enough. Henry pecked the ground nearby, but Nosy got right up in my business and even tried to jump up into it while I cleaned it.
“Excuse me, missy, but it’s cold this morning. I’m not looking to take a shower out here,” I informed her, and she jumped down obediently, almost like she could understand me.
I snorted. Diesel wasn’t wrong. They were kinda sorta cute.
“Alright, food next. Jeez, Louise, I’m coming, ladies. Brenda, do not fling that feed all over the place.” I nudged her out of the way with my toe. “I’m getting good at this, huh? Maybe I should feed you all the time. For as long as I’m here.”
The unnamed pullet pecked her way up to me, twitching her black-and-white feathers sympathetically.
“Oh, I know I’m being ridiculous… at least partly. Diesel’s attracted to me, right? I mean, eight times.” I snorted. “And yesterday morning, I wondered if maybe he was using sex as a distraction so he wouldn’t stew over Marigold being with the Kensingtons, but that didn’t turn out to be the case, ’cause things didn’t slow down any. But… I dunno, ladies. If being with Payne taught me anything, it was that if something seems too good to be true, there’s probably a lie in there.”
I sighed as I dumped the kitchen scraps out. “It wasn’t even about the sex, or not just that. Last night, we went out to wait for Marigold on the front porch as soon as Terry called to say he was getting off the highway, right? And she spotted us as soon as he pulled up to the house. She was fussing like crazy—you know how she can get. So Terry takes her out of her seat and brings her over to me and plops her in my arms, and she gives this little shudder—” I demonstrated for the ladies. “And then she settled right down. Like she trusted me. I just… I don’t know how to protect myself from that, you know? How do I build up walls against this guy who looks at me like I’m his favorite kind of candy bar, and a precious baby girl who already trusts me?”
I poured out the rest of the scraps in a little pile in front of the nameless pullet, who watched me steadily with her head tilted to one side, not even distracted by the food.
“I know what you’re thinking: Why am I even bothering? I know! I keep coming to the same conclusion,” I told her. “‘Here I go,’ I tell myself. ‘I’m gonna enjoy this ride while it lasts.’ But then I feel myself sliding, and it’s instinctive for me to try to stop it. You go on and eat, no need to be polite.” I motioned toward the food, then leaned back against the fence post and watched No-Name peck at it.
“See, when Payne broke up with me and took the boys away, I wasn’t just sad, I was mad at myself. I should’ve seen it coming, right? I should’ve guarded against it. If I hadn’t been such a needy person, maybe I wouldn’t have fallen for it. What does it mean that I’m finding myself in the same spot again? Fool me twice, shame on me, you know?”
No-Name stopped pecking and looked at me. She did a shuffle dance and settled her feathers once more, like she was trying to tell me something.
“Or maybe… maybe there’s no shame in it?” I guessed. “Huh. You know… I hadn’t thought about it that way, but maybe you’re onto something. I mean, sure I could be hard-hearted and protect myself, but is that really the kind of life I want to live? No! No, it is not. I want to be the sort of person who’s open to love, even if it’s temporary! Shit.” I shook my head. “You