heavier than ever, but from watching him I could tell that he didn’t have the space for my problems right then.
“Maybe we should talk about you,” I said gently.
“No, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You don’t seem fine.”
“I’m fine.”
“Is it Tucker stuff?”
He rubbed his hand over his mouth. “It’s nothing you need to hear about.” He paused. “Tell me about you and Lydia.”
I felt irrationally annoyed all of a sudden. I slumped back in my seat, staring ahead at the river.
“So?” Ricky prompted. “Tell me what happened.”
“There’s nothing to tell.”
He knit his eyebrows together, exasperated. “I thought you said you wanted to talk.”
“I did.”
He stared me down. “So talk.”
Slowly, tentatively, I told him what had happened on the swings the night before. I couldn’t look at him; I could barely stand to hear my own voice. I’d thought telling him would make me feel better, but instead I felt like I was handing over something I would have rather kept to myself.
“It’s all right, Codi,” Ricky said when I was finished. He sighed and rubbed his hand down his face again. “Kissing can be scary.”
“Don’t patronize me,” I snapped.
“I’m not.”
“Yeah, you are.”
His mouth tightened. We stared at each other, and then he said, “Look, did I ever tell you about my first kiss?”
“You know you didn’t.”
He ignored my sass and dove into the story. “It was with this girl, Alex Pickens,” he said, staring out over the water. “We were in seventh grade, at a service project site our moms made us sign up for, and we were stocking shelves with canned food. She got cold, so I gave her my sweatshirt. Then we kissed.”
I’d expected a better story, or at least something with a point. “And … did you like her?”
“I thought she was cute, but I didn’t want to kiss her in a warehouse.”
“But at least you did.”
He rolled his eyes, and not in a playful way. “The point is, it was stupid. She wasn’t someone I had a major crush on, like you do with Lydia, so it didn’t matter.”
“Then tell me what it’s like to kiss someone you do have a major crush on,” I pressed. “Tell me what it’s like to kiss Tucker.”
Ricky went dead silent, glaring at me.
“Really?” I said.
He shook his head. “Don’t start on this, Codi.”
“Fine. We’ll just pretend it’s not real, like always.”
“Did I do something?” he asked, his voice rising. “Or is this just you being pissed off that you fucked up your first kiss?”
I looked away from him, unable to believe he’d said that.
“You know,” I said, taking a shaky breath, “the thing about being friends with someone is that it’s supposed to be a two-way street. That day when I came over to your house, you told me that I wasn’t allowed to make you into some kind of project. But you know what, Ricky? You’re making me into a project. You always jump at the chance to help me because you think I’m this emotionally stunted wallflower who doesn’t know what she’s doing, but you won’t let me do the same for you. Would it be so bad to tell me how you really feel about Tucker? How goddamn upset he makes you?”
Ricky lashed at so quickly that it seemed like he’d had the words prepared for days. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you’re projecting your own feelings onto me, Codi? Our problems are not the same. I’m not even sure that I’m gay! You keep pushing this thing with me and Tucker because you want to have a model for all the things you’ve been missing out on, but I can’t give that to you! I can’t act like Tucker and I are in love, like we go on dates and hold hands and kiss each other like we’re in some romantic comedy, because that’s not the truth! I’m just a guy who’s trying to feel his way through everything without getting boxed in by labels!”
“I’m not trying to box you in!” I yelled. “I don’t care about labels and identities and—”
“Are you sure about that?” he said harshly. “Are you sure you haven’t been sabotaging yourself this entire time with these stupid fucking ideas of how you’re supposed to be?”
“I don’t have a single issue with being gay—”
“But you do have an issue with being shy, and being anxious, and being someone who never went to parties and never went on dates and never kissed anyone before! How much of that stuff is