like hell for her. This was an act of…I don’t even know. It was an accident.”
“There’s no reason! None. No war to fight, no way to battle what just happened. It was over before I knew it even began. I couldn’t fight for him. I would have, Beckett. I would have fought.”
Beckett wiped the tears I hadn’t felt. “I know you would have. I’ve never met a woman who fights like you do. And I know it doesn’t help you, but I fought. I did everything I could think of, and when that wasn’t enough, I lay down and held him for the both of us. He was not alone. You did not abandon him. You never abandoned him. Not during Maisie’s illness, and not the day of the field trip.”
The pain overwhelmed my system. I couldn’t imagine it ever lessening, or living with it day after day.
“I don’t know how to breathe. How to get up tomorrow.”
He wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on top of my head. “We figure it out together. And if you can’t breathe, I’ll do it for you. One morning at a time. Minute by minute if we have to.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Because a very wise woman told me once that you can’t reason with the universe, no matter how sound your logic is. And that we can either breathe through the pain or we can let it shape us. So I’m sure that we’ll take it breath by breath until the ache lessens just a tiny bit.”
“It’s never going to go away.”
“No. I’m going to miss him every single day. Maybe we lost a little of our sunshine, but Maisie’s here, and it might not be as bright without Colt, but it’s not entirely dark, either.”
He was right. I knew it in my head, but my heart still couldn’t seem to see past the next five minutes.
“Captain Donahue stopped by. He wanted to say goodbye. I guess the unit is shipping out,” I said carefully. If Beckett was going to leave, this would be the time. Now that Telluride was a painful place to be.
“I’ll wish them luck.”
“You don’t want to go?” My chest drew tight, waiting for the answer.
He turned me in his arms so he could see my face. “No. I don’t want to go. And it doesn’t matter anyway. I signed the papers last week. I’m out.”
“You’re out?”
“I’m out. Besides, the full-time gig at Search and Rescue has some really good insurance.” He gave me a little half smile.
“You’re out. You’re not leaving.”
“Even if you kick me out, I’ll still sleep at your back door. I’m never leaving you.” The truth rang clear in his voice, his eyes.
I’d forgotten to tell Colt I loved him. I would never make the same mistake again.
“I love you,” I said. “I’m sorry I haven’t said it for so long. But I love you. I never stopped.”
“I love you.” He placed a kiss on my forehead. “We’re going to be okay.”
In that second, I didn’t feel like we would be, but my brain knew he was right. Because for that brief second when he’d told me he’d chosen to stay, a flash of joy had streaked across my heart, only to be extinguished quickly by overwhelming grief.
But that flash had been there. I was still capable of feeling something other than…this.
So I took my happy and tucked it away. I’d bring it out again when it wasn’t so dark, when there was room in my soul for it.
And for now, breathing was all I could do.
And it was enough.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ella
Ella,
If you’re reading this, it means I can’t see you in January like we planned. I’m so very sorry. I used to say that I couldn’t be scared while I was here, because I had nothing to lose. But the minute I read your first letter, that all changed.
I changed.
If I never told you, then let me say it now. Your words saved me. You reached into the darkness and pulled me out with your kindness and your strength. You did the impossible and touched my soul.
You’re a phenomenal mother. Never doubt it. You’re enough. Those kids are so lucky to have you on their side. No matter what happens with Maisie’s diagnosis, or Colt’s stubbornness, you are the biggest blessing those kids could ever ask for.
Do something for me? Contact my financial manager. His number is at the bottom. I changed my life insurance to Colt and Maisie.