then, sometimes when I’m lying in bed at night, I wonder if that’s all it is. Of course I didn’t date while I was pregnant. Sure the divorce went through, but I had bigger matters on my mind. When Colt and Maisie were born, that first year was a blur between feedings and teething and two babies on two schedules. Sure, they’re cute now, but they weren’t so cute at two a.m., I promise. Then they were toddlers, and I was still running around like a chicken with my head cut off, or a single mom with twins—whatever. Now they’re in kindergarten, and I feel like I’m finally getting my feet under me.
But I still said no when David asked me.
What the heck am I waiting for? It’s not like I need a lightning bolt. I’m not a silly romantic girl anymore. I know there’s more to a great relationship than chemistry.
But I also don’t want to end up the crazy cat lady down the street. I’ve honestly never been a cat person, so that would probably be an issue at some point.
What about you? Is it difficult dating when you’re gone so often? Is it something you think about? Happy single? It’s got to be hard trying to start something when you’re usually halfway around the world, huh?
~ Ella
…
She looked so peaceful while she slept. Usually Ella was going a mile a minute—always somewhere she needed to be or something she needed to do, but while she slept, everything about her relaxed.
She deserved to look like this all the time.
I looked past her sleeping face to the clock. Seven thirty a.m. I hadn’t slept this late, or this well since…I couldn’t even remember when. No nightmares and no runaway thoughts, just Ella and sweet, blissful sleep.
Havoc woke, shaking off her sleep, and laid her head on the bed.
As quietly as possible, I got up, grabbing a pair of sweat pants and putting them on. We might have been secluded out here, but I really didn’t want to shock the hell out of any guests who might be taking a morning stroll around the lake.
We made our way through the house, and I opened the door on the back deck. Havoc ran out and was already to the woods by the time I made it down the steps to the patio beneath.
The stones were cold on my bare feet, but I stood there anyway, letting the chill take the warmth of my bed. Cold meant it was real. Ella was upstairs in my bed. I’d spent last night showing her exactly how I felt about her, and if Havoc hurried up, I might be able to sneak back into bed and show her again.
She loved me.
The joy that I felt at that knowledge was tempered by my guilt from knowing that I didn’t deserve it. I’d won her love by default, because she only knew this side of me—I’d kept the other carefully tucked away. Hidden like the dirty little secret it was.
“What do I do now?” I asked Ryan, looking out toward the island.
I’d pushed her away until I’d broken, my self-control next to nothing when it came to that woman. If I’d been a better man, I would have sent her away last night. Would have stopped after that kiss. I definitely wouldn’t have taken her on the kitchen counter, and then in my bed, and in my shower. A better man would have told her the secret then, now that the adoption was done and Colt and Maisie were protected financially.
A better man would have come clean and taken the consequences.
Clearly, I was not the better man.
I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to lose the look from her face. Didn’t want to lose the warmth of her love, her body, her heart. I wasn’t ready for my dream to be over yet. Hell, I didn’t tell her because I was selfish and in so deep now that there was no getting out.
Havoc ran back to me, and I rubbed her behind the ears. “Shall we grab some breakfast?”
We walked up the deck stairs and through the sliding glass door.
“Oh!” Ella paused with her butt in the air, trying to get her shoe on. “Good morning?” She was already dressed in what she’d worn on our date, her hair pulled up in a knot, and her cheeks rosy from sleep and sex.
“Was that a question? Because I happen to think it’s a pretty great morning.” I