The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,67

“Oh, that’s Chris Brown, you don’t know who Chris Brown is?”

Jada: “I don’t listen to his music, all I listen to is Shaolin monks.”

I was like, What? Is that what rich people listen to—monks? What the hell is she talking about?

We pulled up to the swamp tour, and it was a lot of people out there waiting. Pretty much all of them white people, too.

Jada: “Tiffany, why are all these people here?”

Tiffany: “They probably all got Groupons.”

Jada: “Tiffany, what is a Groupon?”

Tiffany: “What do you think it is?”

Jada: “I think it means you got your own boat that you could take a group of people on.”

Tiffany: “No, Jada. It’s a discounted coupon that you can do activities with. Why would you think that I had my own boat, Jada?”

Jada: “Will, you gotta go back to the hotel. Call security right now to come and get you to take you back to the hotel, because this gonna be a problem. With all these people and stuff, you need to go home, because it’s gonna be pandemonium. But I’mma stay, ’cause they not gonna recognize me.”

Will: “Oh, no fair. How you gonna invite me on the swamp tour and not let me go on the swamp tour? I want to go on the swamp tour.”

Tiffany: “Yeah Will, tell your wife. Y’all gonna be safe, y’all with me, Tiffany Haddish. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to y’all. I got my backpack, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, we’re gonna see what’s on this swamp.”

Jada: “You got a backpack?”

See, I was trying to make it seem like I had a weapon in my backpack, like I had it cracking. I was patting on the backpack like, “We good, y’all. Like, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, I’m from South Central LA, we finna have a good time, I promise you that.”

Like I said, I was high. It made no sense.

Will: “Man, let’s just go. Let’s just do it. I came all the way out here, I want to get on the swamp tour.”

Jada: “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s gonna be okay, I don’t know.”

Tiffany: “Nobody’s gonna bother us. I promise you ain’t nobody gonna bother us.”

I went in and got the tickets myself, and we were all set for one of the boats. I got Jada and Will out of the car, and we went to the boat, and nobody was saying nothing. This was 2016, everyone was on their phones, right?

Then this redneck dude with missing teeth yelled out, “Oh shoot, that’s Will Smith, right there.”

And everybody on the boat noticed, right as we stepped on the boat. They started clapping, everybody started hollering and cheering. I stepped on first, and I was like:

Tiffany: “Thank you, thank you everyone, thank you so much.”

And people literally yelled out, “No, not you. Move out of the way!! Will, Jada! Oh my gosh!”

And I was like, That’s messed up. I’m the one who brought them!

Redneck: “Hey Will, what part of Philadelphia you from?”

Will: “West Philadelphia.”

Redneck: “Born and raised, right? Did you spend most of your days on the playground?”

Will: “Yeah. Yeah, man.”

Redneck: “Can I get a picture?”

Then a girl jumped up and she asked if she can get a picture, and somebody else asked if they can get a picture, and then Will stood up:

Will: “Look, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Cajun swamp tour, not the Will Smith tour. So let’s just enjoy ourselves and see what we can see, and once we’re done on this tour, then maybe Jada and I will take pictures with you. Is that okay with everybody? Is that all right with everybody?”

Everyone cheered for him again. I was all mad and jealous, because he didn’t even say anything funny, and they’re cheering and clapping and laughing. This is what fame and money does. I need to get some damn money.

But it worked. We were just enjoying the swamp tour, and we were learning about nutria, which is the largest rodent. We learned about the different birds in the swamp. It was really beautiful. We saw like six alligators, and we got to feed marshmallows to the raccoons and alligators, it was really cool.

Will kept asking the tour guide a bunch of questions and stuff, and everybody was loving that, because Will Smith was talking.

Near the end of the tour, Will was just sitting there with his legs crossed, like how rich guys cross their legs, the ankle on the knee so their balls can drop, and he was