The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,65

up, and I still have it. The neighborhood is actually really nice now.

All thanks to my comedy guardian angel, Kevin Hart.

Tiffany’s True Hollywood Stories

Scientology

I think everyone who lives in LA has a Scientology story. Mine is pretty short. A lot of people think it’s funny, but I didn’t at the time. I still kind of don’t.

I don’t remember how I found Scientology. They offered me a place to stay for free, and this was during the period I was living out of my car. They said they would give me $50 a month to live there, and they would help me become a superstar.

That was cool and all, but I was really only interested in them because they told me they could take the hurt out of memories. I got some hurtful memories, that’s for sure.

They were trying to get me to go do that thing they do, where you talk about your bad memories as you hold these metal handles, and they give you little electrical charges. You talk about what’s making you so mad. I kept talking about my shit, and it was still reading high. They said, “Do it again, tell it again, tell it again.” I must have told it fifteen times, twenty times, the thing was still reading off the charts. They told me to try again the next day.

Then they took me to the dorm. It was nothing but little white girls. I think the youngest one was seventeen and the oldest one was thirty. I was twenty-three or something. It was just me and them.

They took me to where I was going to sleep. It was bunk beds.

Tiffany: “Uh-uh. I can’t live here, I cannot do that. You need to find me another place to sleep.”

Scientologist: “No, Tiffany, this is where you sleep. It’s very safe, and—”

Tiffany: “I don’t fuck with bunk beds. Bad shit happens in bunk beds. I do not do that.”

Scientologist: “Well, this is all we have, after all—”

Tiffany: “HELL NO! I’m gonna be trapped, y’all gonna let motherfuckers trap me. For what? $50 a month? That’s how you’re going to get me to sleep in a bunk? I don’t think so, motherfucker. I AM OUT!”

I’m not a prima donna. Remember when I was in the orphanage—in state custody—we had bunk beds. And that was where the beatings happened.

Those older bitches used to beat my ass in the bunk bed. If somebody is beating you up, and you get in that corner—you can’t get up out of there. If you’re in that bottom bunk and they’re beating your ass, and there’s walls on both sides, you cannot get out. There’s no way out, you’re trapped. You just get beat.

I know it’s not rational, but those bunk beds just triggered it for me. I was going to be trapped in there. These weirdos started talking about Scientology to me.

Scientologist: “If you leave Scientology, you’re breaking your bond, you’re breaking—”

I went straight hood on them. I was screaming up and down the hallway.

Tiffany: “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CAN’T PUT ME IN A BUNK BED TO GET MY ASS WHIPPED FOR $50 A MONTH!! THIS IS WHY THERE AIN’T NO BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!!!”

Scientologist: “Tiffany, please, we’re going to have to, you’re going to have to go to the infirmary.”

Tiffany: “Y’all said you was going to take the hurt from the memories. I’m still fucking hurt. SO FUCK YOU AND FUCK BUNK BEDS!!”

I know other people had problems leaving Scientology, but they let me the fuck out pretty quick.

Will & Jada

I was shooting the movie Girls Trip in New Orleans, and Jada Pinkett Smith was in it with me. We got to become pretty good friends on the set. One weekend, Will Smith was coming into town, and Jada invited me to dinner with her and Will.

I got all dolled up in my best cheap dress to go to dinner with them at this restaurant called La Petite Grocery. That place really lived up to its name. Despite being very expensive, it had very small portions of food. I ordered the short rib and it’s just, like, one rib. Seriously, there’s just a little morsel. There’s one bite.

Tiffany: “Where’s the rest of the meat?”

Jada: “You can order as many as you want, Tiffany. It’s okay.”

Tiffany: “Is this how y’all rich people stay thin, y’all just eat like, a bite of food and that’s it? $30 for one bite? That’s insane.”

They also had crazy-expensive wine. I ain’t into that. I asked the wine guy:

Tiffany: “Do