The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,28
walk in it, too!”
Mom: “Girl, you fucking crazy. Something wrong with you. You have a mental problem.”
Tiffany: “I didn’t have no mental problem until I met your raggedy-ass son.”
Mom: “And he got shit all over my carpet, how am I going to clean this up?”
Obviously, that broke us up for good.
But my master plan was not over. There was one more chapter.
Christmas Day came. I was at work at the airlines, at the ticket counter. My white manager came up to me.
Manager: “Tiffany, there is a woman on the phone for you. She is very angry. She sounds black, and she is . . . very, very angry. I don’t normally like employees taking personal calls on shift, but she is, well . . . she is very insistent that she talk to you.”
I already knew who it was, and what it was about.
Tiffany: “Hello?”
Mom: “MY CHILDREN SAW THAT!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! MY CHILDREN SAW THAT!!”
It was Titus’s mom. Remember the fifteen Charlie’s Angels VHS tapes I sent out to all of his family for Christmas?
I had Anna’s bootlegger boyfriend splice in the porn that Titus shot with Bertha, right into the middle of the movie.
He even made up a little title card that said “Titus’s Angel” that cut right to him fucking her.
Oh hell yes, I went there.
Mom: “WHY YOU PUT THAT FILTH IN MY HOUSE?!”
Tiffany: “WHY YOUR SON FUCKING AROUND ON ME WITH SOME HORSE-MOUTH HO?!?! ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT???”
Then his grandmother took the phone from her.
Grandmother: “Oh my God, girl! You got my grandbaby dick out. I done had a seizure. I got these kids up in here watching Charlie’s Angels, and then all of a sudden, you got my grandson on here fucking this bitch.”
The whole family—it was like the kids, grandkids, everybody—sitting there watching. His whole family saw that shit. They all saw what a fucking lying cheater he was, they all saw them big gums and those tiny teeth. They saw it all. I was tired of being framed as the bad girlfriend, when I wasn’t. Titus couldn’t hide no more.
Then I heard his auntie in the background.
Aunt: “My nephew got a big ol’ dick.”
Grandma: “I should beat your ass. You better bring me every copy of that tape you got. Oh my God. You better not put my grandbaby dick on no Internet. I will sue you, bitch. I will have you killed, if you got my grandbaby dick out here like this.”
Best revenge ever, right?
That was the end of my relationship with Titus and his family.
But the fallout was not over. Oh, no. In some ways, it was just the beginning.
Because Titus tried to be a pimp (and failed), I ended up actually becoming a real-life pimp, but that’s another story altogether.
The Pimp Gets Pimped
The day after the Charlie’s Angels Christmas, Bertha called my house, looking for Titus.
Bertha: “Hi. My name is Bertha, and I’m looking for Titus.”
Tiffany: “Titus don’t live here.”
Bertha: “Well, he calls me from this number sometimes. I can’t find him. He’s been missing for a couple of days.”
Tiffany: “He’s been missing? Oh, you that bitch, ain’t you?”
Bertha: “Are you Tiffany? Oh, it’s so nice to hear your voice. I hear so much about you. He’s always talking about you. You’re such a nice person.”
Tiffany: “Oh no, bitch. I’m not nice. Just ask Titus how nice I am.”
Bertha: “I don’t know why you’re so angry at me. I just work for him.”
Can you believe this? I kept talking to her, and I started realizing this bitch is dumb as fuck.
Tiffany: “Oh, what kind of work do you do for him?”
Bertha: “Well, you know, like customer service–type work.”
Tiffany: “Customer service–type work? Girl, keep it one hundred, because I remember him saying he wanted to be a pimp. So you a ho?”
Bertha: “I’m not a ho. I’m an entertainer.”
She told me about how she met Titus through his homeboy or whatever, and that she wanted to be in movies. She wanted to make money, and they told her that she could make money being in movies having sex with people, so that’s what she’d do.
Tiffany: “So how much money are you making doing entertainment?”
Bertha: “None, because he keeps all the money. But he gets my hair done, my nails done. He buys me clothes. He feeds me.”
I know, right? To be honest, though, I didn’t have no place calling her a dumb bitch. I let that motherfucker lie to me too, just about different shit.
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