The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,26

Titus had.

Tiffany: “Can I borrow your camera?”

Anna: “What do you need it for? What’s going on? It’s 5 a.m., what you need a video camera for? You murder someone?”

Tiffany: “I just need it.”

Anna: “Why do you sound like that?”

Tiffany: “I just smoked cigarettes.”

Anna: “Why are you smoking cigarettes?”

Tiffany: “This motherfucker scratched my face, and I found his videotape in the dumpster and I just hope I die.”

Anna: “What does that have to do with cigarettes? What is going on?”

Tiffany: “Anna, look . . . you want weed? I’ll get you some weed if you let me borrow that camera.”

Anna: “Okay, yeah. Bring me some weed, and I’ll bring my camera.”

I got the weed and went over to Anna’s. I guess I was in worse shape than I realized.

Anna: “Tiffany, you need to calm down. You should probably hit this weed.”

Tiffany: “Fuck the weed. I just need that video camera. I need to go home and watch this tape.”

Anna: “Tiffany, I ain’t givin’ you the camera till you hit the weed and have a drink. You need to relax.”

She opened a bottle of Cisco. It was peach Cisco, because we classy. We sat there, 7 a.m., smoking weed and drinking peach Cisco. Then I calmed down a lot.

I went home and plugged the video camera into my TV. Oh man, it was so bad. Lemme try to explain it.

It’s that girl, Bertha, that his sister told me about. It starts out with them talking.

Bertha: “I’m better than your girlfriend, Tiffany. I can do everything better than her. She’s not all that. You always talking about her like she’s so special, but she’s not special.”

Titus: “She is special. But I’m going to have to teach you how to do it better, because you’re not making me enough money. I’m going to teach you how to suck a dick right.”

Bertha: “Okay. Show me how to suck your dick right.”

Titus: “Now, when Tiffany sucks my dick . . .”

I just started bawling out of control.

The whole tape was “Tiffany does it this way” and “No, when Tiffany do it, she don’t do this. She do this.” And she was all into it, “Does Tiffany do this? Does Tiffany do it like this?”

I cried hard. For a long time, I just cried and cried. I cried until I cried so much that I got fucking dehydrated. I cried all the fucking water out of my body.

Then I started to get pissed. I realized this motherfucker is giving this bitch all my fucking tricks. Ain’t that some bullshit?

Then he started fucking her. And he’s fucking her without a condom.

And my birthday is time-stamped at the bottom of the fucking video.

I wasn’t crying no more. I started screaming at the TV. I was screaming at the TV like some crazy woman, I was so mad.

And that bitch’s face. Oh hell no. You ever see them chicks that got the big gums and little baby teeth? That was her. That old dog-mouth bitch was staring at me as she got fucked by my man, on my birthday.

I watched it probably about four times. I called him.

Tiffany: “I’m done with you. This relationship is over. I’m not fucking with you no more. I fucking hate you. You a dog, nasty, dirty-dick motherfucker. You ain’t shit.”

I was just going in on him, right? For, like, fifteen minutes, I used every curse word and bad thing I could think of. I didn’t let him get a word in, I didn’t listen to shit he said, I just went in on that motherfucker.

A few hours later, he showed up at my house. He walked in and saw the tape playing.

Titus: “How did you get that tape?”

Tiffany: “How you think I got it, you dumb motherfucker?”

Titus: “You fucking crazy. You a crazy bitch going in the trash like that. That shit is garbage.”

Tiffany: “You best get the fuck out my house, before I commit murder.”

Titus: “Oh come on Tiff, that doesn’t mean anything. I was teaching her. I was teaching her.”

Tiffany: “Nah, you a fucking cheater. You a liar. Your sister was right.”

He was thinking he would take the tape from me when he came over there. HELL NO! I hid that shit, then I called the police.

Tiffany: “You best to get out of here. The police coming.”

That phrase will scare off any black guy (except Obama . . . maybe). He left so fast, he didn’t even get his clothes and shoes and other stuff he had left at my place.

Once he