The Last Black Unicorn - Tiffany Haddish Page 0,15
Social Worker said you’re not out here having sex, but who knows? Who knows? You probably are having sex, you just ain’t telling nobody, right?”
And I’m just looking at her like completely confused. Of course I wasn’t having sex!
This was when that movie Crooklyn came out, by Spike Lee. Foster Mom took me to see it, along with two other foster kids she was taking care of at the time. We went to that drive-in theater that was off of Centinela. We went to the drive-in movie theater, and the two little foster boys were in the backseat. They were giggling and trying to touch me. They was nasty little boys and I was pushing them off me. They were like eight and seven, right? The movie started and she went:
Foster Mom: “I know you’re going to cry at some point, don’t cry in my car.”
Tiffany: “I ain’t gonna cry.”
She started blazing weed. Remember, this is in a car, and she had the windows up, so she was straight hot boxing us in there. There was a man in the front seat with her, I can’t remember who it was, some boyfriend of hers.
Foster Mom: “This is going to help you all to relax.”
Boyfriend: “You know you crazy, right girl? You know?”
Foster Mom: “Man, these kids gonna be exposed to way more bullshit than this. You don’t know what these kids been through. This ain’t nothing. All y’all shut up and enjoy this movie.”
I remember watching that movie and feeling like, I know how this little girl feels. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t cry.
Then, when we was driving back, my eyes was burning and stuff, I guess ’cause I had a contact high, and I didn’t even know it. Foster Mom saw me and said:
Foster Mom: “You know what, Tiffany? You seem like a really nice young lady, but I know you’re out here doing things. I know you doing things. You probably gonna cry tonight, ’cause all that innocence is gone. It’s all gone.”
I didn’t understand what she was talking about at all, not at that point. Still, I did cry a lot that night.
• • •
About a week later, I was doing my chores, and one of the little boys who was also staying with her came into the bathroom. He was butt naked with a condom on, talking about:
Foster Boy: “You wanna play with my dick? You want to play with my dick?”
Tiffany: “What the hell? What the hell is this?”
I freaked out and start running through the house, calling out to Foster Mom to get him.
Tiffany: “He out here naked! He out here naked!”
Foster Boy: “Stop being a snitch. Don’t be a snitch. I’m gonna fuck your shit up.”
Then she tried to blame it on me!
Foster Mom: “Oh, you tell this little boy to be naked like this?”
Tiffany: “I ain’t tell that little boy to be naked. He’s running around here with condoms on his dick. I don’t know what that’s about.”
She slapped me in the mouth.
Foster Mom: “Don’t be saying dick.”
Really? This eight-year-old running around naked with a condom on, and she’s worried about my language?
She told him to put on some clothes and stop playing.
The next day, that boy and the other boy started to make water balloons, right? Except all they had was condoms to make them with. Foster Mom was gone when they did this, and they started throwing these water balloons at me. Water-filled condom balloons.
I wanted to beat them up so bad, but I didn’t. I just cleaned up the mess and threw all them condoms away. Threw out the condoms and told them to stop playing games.
She came back, and later that night, she found the condom drawer empty.
FosterMom: “Oh, you fucking, huh? How you fucking this many people that fast? What is you doing? Are you a ho?”
Tiffany: “No, I’m not a ho! They made water balloons. They was throwing them at me.”
FosterMom: “Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Wait till I tell your social worker. Wait till I tell your social worker.”
I guess she never told, ’cause nothing ever happened.
When school started back up, I was still living there. One day Foster Grandpa caught me in the bathroom, putting toilet paper in my little training bra I had.
Foster Grandpa: “What are you doing?”
Tiffany: “Ah, just putting some tissue in my shirt.”
Foster Grandpa: “Why you doing that?”
Tiffany: “ ’Cause all my friends, they got big boobs and I want to be like my friends.”
Foster Grandpa: “Well I can help you make