Carlos closed his eyes and let out a patient breath. Women had some tricked-up logic, and it was beginning to twist his. Juanita was stirring him in ways that he shouldn't remember... and the fact that she'd always accepted him - the good, the bad, and the ugly, and still had his back, was beginning to corrupt his judgment.
"The difference," he said, opening his eyes and staring at her hard, "is that this time, whatever dangers we all face, it's for a worthy cause." His comment sounded like something Shabazz would have said; in fact, he was sure the older brother had told him that, too. But it worked under pressure, and Juanita would have to accept what he'd just said. If he made the move that his body was suggesting, all hell would surely break loose in the house before dawn.
"I suppose you're right," she finally said.
Carlos almost let out his breath hard in relief. "You and Jose go way back, too. You met him first. You loved him hard. Remember that, 'Nita. Like I said, he's a good man and deserves your all. Lord knows, I can't give that to you the way he can."
She nodded and stepped back, a sad smile still resonant on her face in the darkness. "He and I were together when we were just kids." She chuckled sadly and pushed her hair behind her ear. "We were running from demons, then. He brought me here, long after Rider had left... and we shared that wonderful summer. Then, the shaman said they needed to make us forget about the demons so we would have peace, but they made us forgot it all - because if we didn't, I wouldn't have met you, he wouldn't have rejoined Rider to hook up with the team. It all came back slowly over time as we walked over our old haunts, like ghosts of the past. I guess I was just her placeholder." Again, Juanita pushed the hair behind her ear that kept spilling forward.
He watched the way she did that, remembering. Her hair was so soft, like dark, silken threads. Her gaze searched his face, and he could feel her absorbing every detail of his mouth before she swallowed hard.
"You were never her placeholder," Carlos said quietly. "You were..."
"The one who was there when you needed a woman to love you more than her next breath. The one who was supposed to have your babies, if that's what you wanted. - and you didn't. Not from me. I was supposed to whisper in your ear in bed at night... reminding you to do the right thing without making you angry. I held her place, because she wasn't supposed to do that for you, then. She had to remain a virgin. And not just sexually. You wanted her to stay pure and separate from that part of your life. But not me."
"Oh, baby... listen..." Carlos said softly as tears rose to her eyes. He wanted to hug her so badly that his arms ached. "Com'ere. It wasn't like that."
"I'm infected" she whispered, hugging herself. "Dirty."
"I'm immune," he said quietly.
Slowly Juanita filled his arms with quiet defeat.
By instinct, he stroked her hair as she laid her head against his chest, and he could feel her holding back an intense sob as she breathed in stilted shudders.
"I held her place in your family, Carlos. She was supposed to be rising in her career as a singer and out slaying demons. I wasn't supposed to be anything special. But you needed someone there to look after your momma and grandmom so you could go out into the world and become all that you are now."
He nuzzled her hair, remembering how good it smelled, what it felt like on his face when it spilled forward to wash him in silk. The debt burden on his shoulders increased by another soul weight and made him kiss her temple. "You are special... your heart is one of a kind." He let her go slowly because there was more than her soft sighs that he also had to remember. He watched her draw away slowly and lean against his Jeep again, hugging herself to replace the loss of their embrace.
"Jose is a lucky man. Not many get to go back to a woman like you and pick up where he left off." He raked his hair to give his hands something legitimate to do.
"I know... but, after time and distance, and things happening... sometimes the heat can change."
Her statement was too profound, and his strange curiosity about the inner workings of the female mind drew him.
"I hear you," he said, "but, after y'all work through the changes, you can get that back, right?"
"I don't know," she said, pure honesty threading through her voice as she hugged herself tighter. "Sometimes, it's like we'd never been apart, and then there's this wall of private experience that we've had in between, and we can't share that with each other, so... it creates a... I don't know what it creates, but something always gets lost in that in-between. Am I making sense?"
She was making more sense than she could ever know. He nodded and sighed.
"Then, I guess you have to work on creating something new." He glanced back at the house and then at her. "If we hooked up again, we'd have that black box, too. Comprende?"
Juanita looked at him, an old blaze smoldering and consuming her eyes deep within her irises. "Yeah. I know. But... I remember too much sometimes..." Her husky voice trailed off as she stood straighter and pushed off the Jeep. "What am I supposed to do with that?" Her gaze trapped his mouth, and then sought his eyes. "Or, let me ask you... What do you do with that?"
Carlos swallowed hard and found the tree line. "I tuck it away in a black box in my head, 'cause I love my brother, and ain't trying to hurt nobody ever again in life." He folded his arms. Shit. He shoulda said because he loved Damali... why hadn't that come out of his mouth, too?
"You're right. Guess I was just tripping down memory lane because my man came in this morning with the wall, and I knew where he'd been."
Now she had more than his full attention. His line of vision snapped away from the tree line and captured her eyes. "Talk to me, 'Nita. For real."
She shook her head. "It's my trip, not yours. Go to L.A., be safe, and when you get settled, let everybody know you're all right, cool?"
She came in close to him and planted a soft kiss on his cheek, and then brushed it away with a featherlight touch of her fingertips. "I'm crazy, Carlos, to think I might be in love with two men at the same time. You're right. He's the one, now, I guess, and always has been. Forgive me for trippin' out here tonight."
He could only stare at her. Women could do that? Be in love with two men at the same time... beyond sex, heart deep, like that? Part of him was oddly jealous. It was an ego blow to know that someone else had taken his place so thoroughly, so completely, to be equated with the singular love that she'd always had for him alone. Now, he had to share that - even though it was the right thing to do and made sense.
He battled with his irrational feeling as he moved away from her. His emotions were all jumbled, but they were what they were. True, he'd wanted her to be happy with somebody new... but not totally to the point where it eclipsed him. The whole conflict was also doing weird things to his libido. Right now, looking at her, remembering, thinking too hard, he was almost ready to ask her to go with him to L.A.