Kissing the Player - Maggie Dallen Page 0,63
have made Hannah-the-hugger proud. “That’s all I can ask.”
“When do you want to start?” she asked.
We worked out a schedule and then her dad poked his head in, announcing it was dinner time, which meant it was time for me to head over to Hannah’s.
My mom’s new guy was coming to our place for dinner and I had no desire to join in on the new couple’s alone time. Besides, if I wanted to get my mom out of my head, I had to get away from my mom.
Maybe one day I’d be in a place where her words didn’t hurt me, where her fears didn’t leak into my own…but this was not that day.
Besides, Hannah was helping me finalize the last of the details before the big event tomorrow and I needed all the distraction I could get. Also, I needed her help for a whole other event that I hadn’t actually told her about yet…
A little while later Hannah was peering into the brown paper bag as if she’d never seen hair dye before. Maybe she hadn’t. This girl was as low-maintenance as they came. “You want me to…dye your hair?”
I nodded. “I need your help.”
“But you always do it yourself.”
I snatched the bag back. “Yes, well, this time I need moral support.”
She blinked rapidly in incomprehension. “But it’s…brown.”
I met her gaze evenly. “It is.”
“But you never go brown. That’s your—”
“Natural hair color, yes, I know,” I said, with more than a hint of sarcasm. “I’m trying something new.”
She arched her brows. “What’s that?”
I drew in a deep breath. “Being myself.”
Her eyes went so wide it looked painful. “That’s…that’s…”
And we were hugging again. I loved Hannah and Hannah loved hugs. That’s just the way it was.
“That’s so great,” she said, her voice choked with emotion.
“Yeah, well…”
She drew back as I trailed off, weirdly embarrassed because...well, just because. This was weird to talk about.
“What prompted this?” she asked as she reached for the bag again.
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Lie. I could hear Jax’s annoying accusation in my head.
“Is it super obvious when I’m lying?” I asked.
Hannah pursed her lips and shook her head. “Are you kidding? You are the queen of fibs and you know it.”
“You make it sound like I’m a compulsive liar.”
Hannah laughed as she pulled out the dye and started reading the back. “You’re a compulsive actor, there’s a difference.”
She was quoting me back to me—it was something I’d said a lot over the years. But now I was realizing how wrong I was. Acting was only acting when I was on stage. In real life? It was just lying. Faking.
It was another form of hiding.
“So basically, I’m a compulsive liar,” I muttered.
She peered up at me. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I’m just…I’m tired.”
She continued to watch me, waiting for me to continue.
“Actually, I’m exhausted. Being on all the time is tiring.”
She shifted. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with Jax, would it?”
I tensed at the mention of his name. “No, of course not.”
Lie. Ugh, he wouldn’t get out of my head.
I huffed. “Okay, maybe. A little bit. I mean, what he said about me shutting people out…” I looked at my friend. “He’s kind of right.”
Hannah didn’t argue.
“And I’m tired of being scared. Tired of worrying about turning out like my mom. Tired of trying to make her happy and play the part everyone else has cast me in.” I gave her a small smile. “I’m tired of being typecast.”
She laughed softly at my attempt at a joke.
“You know sometimes I think that maybe…” I swallowed the lump that was choking me. “I think sometimes I’m performing all the time because I want to be loved, you know? I want approval. I want people to like me.”
Hannah nodded, her eyes soft with sympathy. “I do know.”
“I want to be loved, but what’s the point if I’m not loved for who I am…whoever that is.” I finished with a mutter as I shook my head, disgusted with myself for being so emotional.
If Jax didn’t want drama then he’d do best to stay far away from me.
Ugh, the guy was in my head, morning, noon, and night. I couldn’t go two seconds without thinking of him and everything he’d said.
“This is all his fault,” I said with more anger than I really felt. “If Jax hadn’t made it his mission to get close to me, if he hadn’t made me like him and called me out on my crap…” I took a deep breath, unable to finish.