I had meant to keep my distance, stay by the exit, but my feet had a mind of their own. His embrace called to me, the phantom feeling of his arm banding around me already warming my heart. When I was close enough to touch him, I stopped.
“I thought your blood would be black,” I said, an attempt to distract myself from needing him so much.
He smiled before he looked up. “My blood is as red as any man’s.” When he took me in, his smile dropped. Quietly, he asked, “Why do you have a bag with you, lyubimaya?”
Clutched in my hand was a backpack I stolen from Danika’s room. I had filled it with books, clothes and cash. None of which were mine, but things I couldn’t bear to part with.
I had already planned out my speech, practiced my lines in the mirror like an ambitious actress. Hopefully, my performance was convincing enough.
“This was the deal, Konstantin,” I said. “I heal Tatiana and you give me my freedom.”
His nostrils flared. “And that is what you truly want?”
No. No. No. “Yes.”
Konstantin stared at me, eyes searching my expression. I knew what he was looking for, and I refused to show it.
“Give me your hand,” he said.
I tucked them behind my back, hiding my words. “My decision is made, Konstantin. I want my freedom.”
He rose, dropping the antiseptic. “Do you need an official invitation, Elena? Will that keep you from leaving?” He gestured with his arm, like he was presenting his kingdom to me. “Marry me—or become my advisor. Become both, my wife and Sovietnik. Or do neither. The choice is yours.”
Tears began to well in the back of my eyes. But I refused to reveal the misery that stormed within me. “I don’t want any of those things. I want to leave.”
“No.” Konstantin growled. “Something has frightened you. Understandable, the revelations these past few days have been...devastating, to say the least. But running will not fix that, Elena.”
I shook my head, fighting back the sob that was threatening to escape me. “I want to be free, Konstantin. I don’t want this life.”
A muscle in his jaw twitched. “This life is your life, Elena. This is...this is our life.”
“No,” I breathed. “This life is yours.”
“Would you like me to come with you?” he asked.
Something like a laugh rose out of me.
Konstantin didn’t laugh. “I’m not joking, Elena.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” I said, refusing to let the implications of his words settle in my brain. “I’m going. Alone. I’m going to go to college and study botany. I’m going to worry about rent and loud neighbors, not gang wars and mob bosses.”
His expression tightened. “Choose which college you want to go, and I will pay for it, Elena,” he said. “But stay here with your family. Stay here with me.”
“I can’t.”
Konstantin’s eyes darkened. “And why not?”
I forced the words out of my mouth, like I was dragging them into existence with a hook. “Because I don’t love you, Konstantin.”
He stilled.
Deep in my chest, my heart began to break.
“That is not true,” he said quietly.
I brought my shoulders up, forcing more bravo than I felt. “Yes, it is.” I said.
He was quiet for a moment.
I wondered if his heart was ripping to shreds in his chest just like mine was.
“I see,” Konstantin said eventually, voice distant. “And you are certain of this?”
I nodded, all my words escaping me.
Konstantin picked back up the antiseptic, resuming his task with forced casualness. “Well, then, there is nothing left to be said, is there?”
There wasn’t, but I hovered for a few seconds.
This was everything I had wanted my entire life. To be free, to be out.
But if it was everything I had ever wanted, then why did it hurt so fucking much?
“Take care, Konstantin.”
His hands paused but he only nodded in response.
I left silently.
My entire chest was caving in, my throat was clogged. I felt like crying and screaming and howling. I felt like stabbing Tatiana in the chest, and then doing the same to Konstantin for making me feel such a way.
If being selfless felt like this, why were people so obsessed with being anti-selfish?
This agony... This agony stemmed from loving more than myself.
For the first time in my life, I had protected someone other than myself. I had destroyed my own happiness to keep air in my family’s lungs.
And though it felt like my insides were being torn to shreds, I knew I would do it over and over again if it meant