“Just tell me why.” His words were brittle. With deft fingers, he unstopped the bottle and tucked the end of the rag into the liquid. Turned it upside down for a beat.
“Why what?”
He clenched his teeth. “Why you faced this danger alone.”
“Because I had to. The taming required—”
“That’s bullshit.” He leveled me with a glare at the same time he pressed the rag to my wound. I yelped at the sudden sting, and the Myad growled. With my free hand, I stroked the side of my beast’s face. He settled onto his haunches and watched, his wary gaze trained on Kost.
“How is that bullshit? I had to approach him alone. There was no other way.”
Kost dug the cloth in deeper, and I screwed my eyes shut—only opened them when his seething words hurt worse than the burn. “Because you could have told us. You’re supposed to trust us.”
“Trust you? Just the other day you told me you hated me.” Hurt sat heavily on my chest.
“I hate that you fit. I don’t hate you.” The pressure on my wound lessened, and with it, the sharp edge of his glare. “I wanted it to be me. But you can’t jam the wrong piece into the picture if it’s not meant to be there.”
My response died. I struggled with his confession, uncertain how to answer. What could I even say? I’m sorry? It felt so hollow and meaningless in comparison to the love behind his words. He continued speaking anyway, voice painfully low.
“That’s why I’m so angry. Because despite myself I do care, and you just put Noc—put all of us—through a terrible ordeal. You stripped him of his ability to choose. To react. To protect. You showed him that you couldn’t trust him to listen or put your needs and wants first. When in reality, all he ever does is put everyone else’s needs and wants before his own.”
I swallowed. Hard. “I didn’t think… I didn’t think he cared.”
The fight left Kost’s eyes, and he snorted. “He cares too much. He just never shows it.” Removing the rag, he inspected my injury. Traded the cloth for the bottle and doused the whole area in alcohol.
Tears stung my eyes. “How can you love someone who won’t let himself love you back?”
Kost stilled, considered me. He pressed the rag back to my skin, mopping up excess liquid. “It’s safer to love someone who’ll never have the opportunity to break your heart.”
My spine bowed at the weight of his words. “That’s so…tragic.”
His smile was thin. “I said it was safe, not pleasant.” He tossed the rag to the side and brandished his key so Felicks would appear. With a nod, he directed his beast to my wound. “Noc is brilliant. He’s cunning and intelligent and an exceptional leader. Talmage made the right choice, putting him in charge of Cruor. No one else would sacrifice like he does to keep us safe.”
Felicks’s scratchy tongue raked over my skin. “But why? Why all the sacrifice and detachment?”
“That’s his story to tell.” Kost pinned me to the ground with his stare. “Maybe if you showed him trust, he’d share it with you.”
My stomach curled in on itself. He was right. Kost was always right. “Okay.”
“If you’re going to love him, too, that means believing in him. In this family. When you finally do that, we won’t have a problem anymore.”
A dull ringing sounded in my ears. Love? I didn’t love him. Right? Could I love him? I didn’t know if I was strong enough. Not like Kost. I couldn’t totally devote myself to someone who didn’t have the ability to reciprocate those feelings. But I did care—that much I knew. Maybe when this was over, I wouldn’t have to leave. I could stay near Cruor. I could keep my friends and this…family.
A faint smile ghosted over my lips as I looked up at my unlikely ally. “All right, Kost. I hear you.”
“Good.” He stood and helped me up. Then, he turned to Felicks and opened his arms, allowing his beast to leap to his chest. Gentle fingers stroked the space between his ears. “Come on. We need to catch the ferry.”
“Yeah.” I reached for my Myad. He rammed his thick head into my healed shoulder, and I stutter-stepped to keep my balance.
Kost glanced at my beast. “What are you going to name him?”
I stared at the tree line where Noc had slipped away. Impossibly black wisps still clung