The Kell's Legend: The Clockwork Vampire Chronicles - By Andy Remic Page 0,136

Firestarter? Twisted firestarter? Surely not.

One song/record

“Green and Grey” by New Model Army, from the album Thunder and Consolation. Just perfect. But it’s closely followed by Cypress Hill’s “Tequilas Sunrise” from IV. That’s more than one, right? Hot damn, I wish I could count.

One record to smash

Showwadaawaddywaddy, or however the bastard you spell it. Hell! It’s hell, I tell you. I bought an album when I was 10 years old. The shame. The horror. The horror. Kurtz, kill me now.

One creative person you always wanted to be

JRR Tolkien. Think of those royalty statements!! And of course, he was a genius masquerading as a university lecturer. Or maybe a university lecturer masquerading as a genius.

One book you wish you’d written

Harry Potter. Very well written, and just think of those fat royalty statements!

Who’s your hero?

Justin Sullivan, of New Model Army, who ironically sang, “There are no heroes anymore”.

Ideal dinner party guests

Why, that would be the wonderful people from Angry Robot Books. OK, aided and abetted by New Model Army, and hell, why not, the cast from Twilight. Yes, I am getting back in touch with my teen roots. Although it has to be said, if Milla Jovovich popped in, I wouldn’t deny her a sausage.

The biggest influence on your writing

David Gemmell, recently departed King of Heroic Fantasy. Sorry. It’s just the way it is. Because of Dave, I started writing seriously, and indeed started writing heroic fantasy.

The biggest influence on your life

My dad. A complex one this, so I won’t go into it here (it’s part of my PhD, it’s that complex). He was as close to a hero you could get or hope for. He escaped from two prisoner-of-war camps, and he shot some Nazis. Wish I’d been there.

Got a nickname?

Jappo. It’s a long story. Oh yes, and there was one at school—Mugsy, after the old Melbourne House Spectrum game about gangsters. And, I believe, some cheeky monkey scamp kids used to call me Captain Ginger Beard when I was a teacher, bless their little cotton chainsaws.

Tell us a joke

It’s a rude one. It’s about this fat woman. And her fat husband…No, no, my reputation is already bad enough to kill a skunk at fifty yards, without making it worse. I’m trying to keep my big stupid mouth shut. I’m trying, anyway.

Support a team?

No. I believe football (soccer, haha) has become a pure game of pure money. An absolute business transaction!! And I do not subscribe to money unless it’s buying me a new motorbike.

What do you sing in the shower

I don’t sing. I scrub. I am a scrubber.

Any notable pets?

Yes, Samson, my big fat chocolate Labrador who starred in my first three Spiral books. He’s dead now, bless him, the stubborn teddy-shagging mongrel, but now I have an insane Border Collie called Fizz (not my choice) who puts me to shame on technical ridge-lines at the top of mountains by bounding around like a mountain goat on mescaline whilst I cling in fear to the edges of high rocks. What a bitch.

Earliest memory?

Being naked in a paddling pool in Yugoslavia in 1976. The humiliation, I tell you! My mother has a photo. The bitch.

First story you told?

I was about 7 or 8. I wrote a novel called The Four-Headed Monster. It was about a Four-Headed Monster. I told it to the class. They were suitably impressed (as 7 and 8 year olds are by a Four-Headed Monster).

First story you sold?

My first novel, Spiral, to Orbit Books. Thank you, Tim Holman;-)

What do you say when people ask “Where do you get your ideas from?”

Ideas come from anywhere and everywhere, from books and films, conversations and sex, whisky and demons. You must mash it all up in a big pan, add a splash of rum, mix it with a Big Spoon™ and cook at 190 for about 1 hour 40 minutes. Then you may have the workings of a story.

Do you have an unusual talent or skill?

I can sword fight (really), am a superb cook (forget that amateur Ramsey bloke), and have been known to wield a chainsaw. You’ve got to be careful with a chainsaw, though, because it is amoral and can easily cut off your own leg.

Best place you ever visited?

Kenya, Africa. Magical and surreal. Went on safari, and watching elephants coming to the watering hole at sunset has to rank up there with All Time Great Moments. It was highly amusing when a huge bull elephant took exception to the nearby watering hole dining experience, and charged at the couples