to say is going to be hard, I can feel it in the depths of my bones.
“Sarah has been feeling recently, like maybe it would help her heal to tell her story of what she’s been through and what happened.”
I can’t contain the gasp that escapes from my mouth. Does she plan on going to the papers and telling them more? I’m instantly enraged, but she continues on anyway, as if she can’t see my hands that have started shaking.
“She wants to start speaking at high schools in the area on the dangers of texting and driving.”
Wow. That’s…unbelievable. Completely terrifying to think she’ll be talking about my family, but yet; admirable. But this will cause exactly what I’ve been terrified of happening. This is what I have been afraid of. The idea that my family will become the example of the dangers of this reckless behavior.
On the other hand, if her sharing her story about the decisions she made could potentially save one family from what I’ve experienced, is it worth it? I don’t know if I’ve ever considered this point of view….my family’s story being told could help save lives.
But is it worth the pain to me?
Yes. It is. Even worse than re-living it, is imagining another mom, or dad, or child experiencing the loss I have.
“Out of respect to your family, she plans on keeping everyone’s name anonymous.” She reaches out, like she wants to touch my hand on the table, but changes her mind at the last second and settles it in her own lap. “She doesn’t want to cause you more pain. She just wants to save others from hers.”
Tears begin to fall again and I wipe them away quickly. I know my answer before I say it, I just have a hard time forming the words.
“You have my blessing.” Silence falls for several minutes. I can’t believe I can so easily agree to this. And yet, I know it’s the right choice.
“You are incredible, Nicole. After all we’ve put you through, I’m in awe you would even be willing to forgive us.”
I’m in awe, too. But perhaps after this I won’t have to be strong.
Maybe I can finally go back to normal without fear of what might happen.
I close my eyes again before more tears fall not believing I’m about to say this. “She doesn’t have to keep it anonymous. I have pictures, if she wants them.”
I eye her hesitantly. She nods after a while. “I’ll let her know.”
I stand up, feeling like I have to get out of there. I’ve just agreed to the one thing that scares me and while it feels right, I need to be alone.
I’ve just handed the family that dragged me through the media, the ability to do it again. “I need to go, but thank you for coming today.”
She reaches out to shake my hand and I take it slowly. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that Sarah took away the people you loved so much.”
I leave without responding.
Chapter Thirteen
I fall asleep as soon I reach home again, emotionally exhausted from my meeting with Natalie. When I wake up, I feel a little lighter. It’s unnerving that suddenly, somehow, I’m okay with everything I just allowed, or at least gave my blessing to.
Or maybe I’ve completely lost my mind and I have no idea what I just agreed to or the ramifications it will cause.
I want to call Mia and tell her. I want to call Zack and throw my arms around him and let him comfort me as only he can. I want to hug Mark and squeeze Andrew and erase the sixteen months.
But I can’t do any of it. Zack is who knows where, probably on his way back to L.A., Mia will only make me call him, and even though I want to feel his arms around me, I don’t know if I can. Even now that I’ve talked to Natalie, I’m not sure it changes anything between me and him.
I do desperately want to see Mark. It’s been too long since I sat and talked with them. I haven’t visited since I got back from the tour; not knowing what to say, which is silly, really. I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom to fix my hair and ruined make-up.
I frown when I look in the mirror. My face looks sallow. My eyes are lifeless. Smudged mascara runs down my cheeks and under my eyes and my hair is slightly