… something between us. She felt she’d let you down, because of that.’
I writhe, and maintain a false composure: ‘Did you tell Susie about the letter you sent me? At university?’
‘No! Why would I do that?’ Ed, wide-eyed, thinks he’s scored a point here, kept my confidence. But I know what it means – he let it all rest on me.
‘Then why would she think there was something between us?’
This is a question I would only dare ask under extreme duress, and to someone with Ed’s size of motive to be tactful right now. Did I really make it obvious? is one of the world’s most agonising inquiries.
Ed lifts his hands from his knees in an I don’t know gesture. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘What did she say?’ I ask.
‘Do you really want me to go into this?’ he says.
‘No, Ed, I don’t!’ I say, temper breaking, in my fierce blushing. It’s a funny combination. ‘I don’t want to hear a word of it, but thanks to you, it happened, I found out, and Susie’s dead. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life wondering why she kept this from me, otherwise. It’s “need”, not “want”. I’d have thought that was pretty obvious.’
‘She said she thought you were in love with me and it would destroy you,’ Ed says, in a rush, and looks at his knees.
I’m damp with sweat. I don’t change expression.
‘Erm, OK. Wow.’ This is good and ambiguous, I think. It could mean wow she knew, or wow she thought that? ‘Then you said …?’
‘I agreed it wasn’t a good idea to tell you.’
‘But you didn’t say oh hey, I told Eve I was madly in love with her, a few years back?’
‘No,’ Ed says, frowning. ‘It wasn’t the moment and I kind of assumed you’d have told Susie about that at the time, anyway?’
It hadn’t occurred to me he’d think this. I suppose he would’ve thought that, what with girl talk and gossip. The truth is, it was first too precious, and then too painful, to let any sunlight in on it. And as usual, the group was to be protected at all costs.
I only say: ‘Nope.’
I wonder why he thinks I didn’t tell Susie.
‘Eve,’ Ed says. ‘I know “speaking for Susie” keeps tripping us up, but she’d be crushed to think she’d hurt you by keeping this from you. Nothing mattered to her the way you did. Nothing.’
This rings hollow, after talking about a night when my feelings definitely didn’t matter to her. She knew I was in love, and it would destroy me, and she still did it. ‘Destroy’ – her word, not mine.
For nothing more than an ungainly, sloppy one-night stand. She was Susie Hart, she could’ve gone home with any man in that club if she’d wanted to.
What would she say if she was here? I can only imagine some version of Ed’s: we were drunk, we were idiots. Much stupid, so regret. What other excuse is there? She wasn’t the person I thought she was.
‘Would Hester still marry you if she knew?’ I say, making it clear there’s no point to any more mollifying speechifying from Ed.
‘I don’t know. It would be an apocalyptic fight. It being Susie would make it a thousand times worse, of course, compared to some anonymous woman. I don’t want her to think the less of Susie.’ Ed holds up a palm as he sees my jaw drop. ‘Yeah, you can call that a really slimy thing to say, it is, but it’s true. You think Susie would want that, in her memory? Us splitting up over some decade-old embarrassing transgression? Or Hester being tormented by the thought of it? You’ve found it gruesome enough.’
‘Well, I’m implicated now,’ I say, interrupting, before we get into measuring of what I’m feeling versus what Hester would: ‘Because in your vows there’ll be that bit about if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be joined …’
‘You’d not be the first person to sit through that part of a ceremony and know something about the bride or groom that either one of them doesn’t.’
Ed tries for a small rueful smile, and I stare it down.
‘It’s not funny.’
‘It’s not. I’m not saying you can’t tell Hester if that’s what your conscience tells you to do. I’ve never cheated on Hester, apart from that one time.’
‘Oh, paging Pride of Britain awards.’
‘No! I mean, it’s not habitual, this isn’t the tip of an iceberg. You’re not letting another woman