phone positioned in front of her with the other. Her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, face void of makeup, thick-rimmed glasses resting on her nose. What an awesome bestie. She’d been up late last night throwing a fiftieth birthday bash for some celebrity and didn’t have to be anywhere until later today, but she’d still answered Eva’s call. “How do you feel about that?”
“I feel good . . . most of the time. It’s getting harder the more mileage we add. My body is used to exercise, but running long distances takes a lot more stamina.” Computer balanced on her lap, Eva leaned back against her bed’s gray upholstered paneled headboard, which was plush and button-tufted. She ran her fingers over the black-and-white, diamond-patterned silk duvet. “And I’ve been struggling a bit with the mental side of things. Not just with the running, though that’s there too. Lately I’m just filled with doubt.”
The dream tonight hadn’t helped matters.
“Doubt about what?” Kim took another sip.
“Everything. My relationship with Angela.” And Marc. She pushed aside the thought. “My future. Whether we’ll really be able to accomplish our goals here.”
Kimberly set down her mug and adjusted her glasses. “So what happens if you don’t accomplish your goal?”
Honestly? She had no clue. Even though she’d feared the possibility, Eva couldn’t imagine what life looked like after the race—failure or not. Would she return to the heart center? Or what about being a wedding florist again? She’d already turned Kim down on the Carlton wedding, but her friend would accept her back into the fold for other events, no questions asked. And she’d taken baby steps by visiting Joanne a few times a week in her florist shop in town. Being around the flowers—and the sweet florist, who was quickly becoming a close friend—brought a calm she couldn’t explain.
But when she tried to picture herself creating again, a colorless void stared back at her.
Flickers of the dream she’d had an hour ago flashed in her mind once more.
“Girl, I can see the emotions warring on your face. You called me in the middle of your night. What’s going on?”
Eva snatched a strand of her hair, rubbing it between her thumb and forefinger. “I’m just confused.”
“About?” Kim’s lips curved into an encouraging smile.
Eva let go of her hair. “I had a dream about Brent last night.”
“That’s not new, is it?”
“Not necessarily. I have them now and again. But this one just . . . it felt so . . .”
“Real?”
“Yes and no.” She’d have to explain. After all, it’s why she’d called Kim in the first place. “I was walking with Marc down by the lake, having fun, laughing—forgetting for a moment that I was supposed to be grieving. And then Brent appeared, glancing back and forth between us.” His eyes had not been the kind ones she remembered. They’d flashed with something like jealousy. Which was ridiculous.
“How did you feel when you woke up?”
Her heart had pounded, guilt trapping her lungs and forcing her outside into the cold air to take in deep gulps of air. “Like I’d been caught doing something I shouldn’t.”
“And what’s that?”
Tears welled in her eyes and her throat swelled. “Being happy. But it doesn’t make sense. Because Brent would want me to be happy. I know that. And I know I never really will be without him.” The echo of her conversation with Sherry several nights ago reverberated in Eva’s head. But no matter what Sherry said, Eva couldn’t picture a life separate from Brent, even though it had been her reality for a year and a half.
Maybe that’s why she had so much trouble discerning what to do next. He wasn’t here to give his input, so she’d been left to figure out a way to keep him close.
“Evie, you talk a lot about what Brent would have wanted. What do you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“The very fact you upended your life to move to a whole new country for a few months tells me you want to move forward, but you’re afraid to. Why?” Kim frowned, her brow wrinkled. “You can’t stay stuck in limbo forever.”
If anyone else said those words to her—her parents, for instance—Eva would have declared they didn’t understand and found a way to get off the phone pronto. But Kim knew her, accepted her, loved her for who she was. She’d been the only one before Brent who ever really had.
And that meant Eva had to consider what she said, as difficult