Just a few more steps, Angela. Then you can sit again.
Once they’d walked in silence for several torturous minutes, she spoke up. “So what’s going on with the race?”
“It’s still not looking good. Just wait a moment and I’ll tell you more.”
Suddenly the trail ended and the trees fell away. They were at the top of the bluff, where a small overhang sat tucked into the side of the hill, almost like a cave but not quite. Simon indicated that she was to climb under first, so she did. He crawled in after her.
“So it’s not looking promising?”
“I believe they’re going to give it another few hours and then call it if the rain doesn’t let up.”
Angela nodded, resigned. What more could she say?
Simon moved closer to her, their shoulders almost touching. “Last night you said things don’t change for you.” From the corner of her eye, she saw him turn his head so he could see her. “What did you mean?”
So he hadn’t just pulled her up here to talk about the race.
She bit her lip, considering how to begin. “As a child, I had high hopes for my life. Big dreams, you know? I wanted to be someone important, like my aunt. To have a career that helped people, and yes, that also provided for all my financial needs so I didn’t need to be dependent on anyone else. Life and my own mistakes derailed those dreams, though God still gave me something amazing. And I settled into those blessings and, in a way, I embraced them. Then Wes died.”
She paused. “And once again I was given a life I hadn’t asked for. It took me awhile to dream again. But here I am, once again disappointed. I’m so tired of the constant ups and downs, always feeling kneed in the gut just when I think things are finally going to go the way I’d hoped.” Angela shrugged. “But maybe I simply need to be content with what I have and stop asking for more.”
“But what’s life without dreams?”
“Why dream when you know all you’ll get is let down?” Angela sighed, pulling her knees into her chest. “I’m choosing to be logical. A realist.”
“Logic isn’t a bad thing, but a lot of things can’t be explained by it. If you stay rooted in your limited world, only among things you understand, you’re going to miss out on a lot.” He pulled Angela’s hand into his, running his fingers over the ridges of her knuckles. His touch brought a shiver down her spine, as did his words. “Life is about dreaming, even if those dreams never come to fruition. God is the planter of dreams, and in his timing, he will make those dreams grow. But we have to keep watering them, keep hoping, even when life throws things at us we don’t expect.”
Angela shook her head. “I don’t know how. Everything’s so jumbled. All I do know is when I want something—really want it—it doesn’t happen. What am I supposed to do with that?”
For a moment Simon considered her. “Angela, what do you really want out of life? And I don’t mean what things do you want to do, or what relationships do you want to improve, or what job do you want to have. What’s that underlying thing you want out of life?”
Her eyes slid back to the rain-sodden trees beyond the cave, their leaves dancing, never doing the same move twice. How could she sum it all up in a few mere words?
“I used to think it was stability. That’s what I really grew up valuing, because I didn’t have it. And I thought I had to achieve it on my own. Thought I could achieve it by becoming a doctor. Then I married Wes, and he provided it for a while. Until he didn’t. Now, though? I think I just want to find a balance between dreaming and being content with where I am. Not settling, but also recognizing when I don’t have control over a situation—and finding peace in that.”
Yes, yes, yes. Her soul leapt at the words.
Simon squeezed her fingers. “You’re there, I think. Look at how you’ve already broken free of the past. So things don’t look the way you thought they would, eh? You’re still here, and a different woman at that.”
She had changed, hadn’t she? But there was so much growth that needed to happen before she was fully transformed.