Joe Vampire - By Steven Luna Page 0,1

is what life is for me at the moment, now that I've unwittingly become somewhat less than fully alive. It's still sinking in, but I'm seeing more and more how this vampire shit really goes down, and the truth bears exposing. I may not succeed in getting it all to make sense, but at least I’ll be able to say I wasn’t one of the opportunistic marketing geniuses who keep promoting the idea of vampirism as a lifestyle choice for profit. AdSense hits notwithstanding.

But whatever.

I’m not a hater; my intention in all of this isn’t to slam the pretty boys and girls of pop-lit and sub-network TV, and no doubt this phenomenon can probably turn out to be something rad for people who were already swimming in the Hollywood end of the human gene pool prior to changing. But I’m from somewhere closer to the other end of the pool, the one that needs a tad more chlorine – you know, where people head when they have to pee but don’t feel like getting out of the water. Yeah… that’s my pool: peed in and getting greener every second.

Okay. So maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.

And way more pathetic than it needs to be.

I know the deal; I accept my lot. I didn’t choose it, but it’s mine and I’m ready to face it head-on. I’m just trying to provide a counterbalance to the renewed romantic slant that 21st century corporate media has given to being a vampire by shedding some long-overdue light on the facts. I'd like nothing more than to use this blog to expose the reality behind the myth, and straighten out the perception of how it really is being some pathetic, half-living creature with one foot in the grave. And also, what it’s like to be a vampire. Truth be told, it sucks big-time.

And yes, the crappy pun was absolutely intended.

But I’ll keep that in check from here on out.


The Personals

Here’s a little more about me, in case you’re interested in the man – or whatever I am now – behind the blog:

• I’m thirty-two years old, but on a good day I could pass for a twenty-nine year-old with a receding hair line.

• I’ve been told that my prominent chin, perpetual smirk and kind eyes make me look like the love child of Dustin Hoffman and Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. Since this description is often followed by the adjective cute, I generally take it as a compliment. Really, though, it could go either way.

• I’m a data analyst for a financial service company. It’s slightly less sexy than it sounds.

• I play synth bass in a techno-sleaze band called Vomiting Nonsense… also not so sexy, as the name will attest.

• I’ve had exactly two full-fledged relationships in my life – both with real, live women and both of which ended painfully in scorching adultery (them, not me), several weeks spent under a coffee table eating spray cheese and Nutella (me only) and a greatly increased chance of developing a chronic STD (them and me). The first one started in high school and lasted six years; the last one started shortly thereafter and ended earlier this year. Genital warts have yet to mound.

• My family – mother, father, sister and brother – is terribly Jewish… and by “terribly”, I mean “not good at it”. They’re at their most Jew-esque during Hanukkah, Passover, and on occasions that call for gross displays of guilt and unqualified suffering. Funerals and family reunions are always a treat. The rest of the time they’re vaguely principled people descended from actual Jews, but with no inclination toward any real spirituality at all. I’m closest to my sister; my brother is something of a douchebag.

• I'm more of a homebody than an out-and-about body… less and less by my own choosing.

• I’ve been a vampire for a little less than three months. The training wheels are still firmly in place.

I wouldn’t say everything in my life up to the vampire part was spectacular, especially after the second break-up, so it’s not like there was much to be ruined. The two relationships were nice, but obviously for me only. My career doesn’t make any dreams come true, though I get by pretty comfortably on what I make and I like most of the people I work with. My band is mediocre, by no fault of my stellar bass playing or the rhythmic finessing of my best bud Hube; it’s our self-appointed leader Copyright 2016 - 2022