The Jock by J.L. Beck Page 0,42

tears.

14

Cage

I’m a prick, douchebag, idiot. I know. I shouldn’t have said what I did to Blair, but there isn’t any taking it back, plus, it’s not like it was a lie. She does push people away. For instance, she pushed me away.

She got mad at me because I defended her. What bullshit is that? She’s trying to shove me out of her life like she does with everyone. Of course, I had to call her out on it, but I admit, I could have handled it a little better.

Since the day she poured a beer on my head, I knew there was something deeper going on. I saw it in her eyes. Her dislike and distrust of men. It’s right there on the surface. Everyone thought I was some idiot jock who fucked girls and never paid attention to anything, but I do. I know who my friends are, who is talking shit behind my back, and who actually matters.

It’s been two days since our last session, and the night that ended in disaster.

I’m sick to my stomach and have been dreading this session all day.

When I get to our room, she is already there, even though I’m ten minutes early.

“Hey,” I greet her and take the seat next to her.

“Hey.” She gives me a tiny smile, letting me know that she is no longer mad at me. The tension in my shoulders eases slightly, and I feel myself relaxing.

“I’ve done my homework, but there was something I didn’t get.” I open my book and flip through the pages. “It’s this one–”

“Did you mean it?” she interrupts. “Do you really think I’ll end up alone?” There is no anger in her voice, she is genuinely asking me, so I look her in the eyes and decide to give her an honest answer without being mean.

“I shouldn’t have said it the way I did, but yes. I think you’ll end up alone if you keep pushing everyone away.”

“I have Jude and Mia.”

“That’s not what I meant. Those are friends. Don’t you want to find someone to love? Someone who loves you back?”

“I do,” she whispers.

“That will never happen if you push every guy you meet away. You don’t go out. You don’t even talk to guys. I hit on you at a party, and you poured a beer over my head, it’s clear that you have some kind of hate toward men ingrained in you.”

She pauses and nibbles on the end of her pencil, making her look even more like a nerd. A sexy nerd. A nerd, I want to peel back the layers on.

“Maybe you’re right. I just don’t want to be a girl that guys only want to screw. I want more than that. Every time a guy hits on me, I feel like they only want sex.”

Guilt rises up inside me. I can’t deny that that’s exactly why I hit on her. She gives me a knowing look before continuing.

“I’m not saying that sex is a bad thing or that I never want to do it. It’s just, I want to find someone worth giving myself to. I don’t want to sleep with hundreds of guys.”

Her words hit me like a semi-truck. Someone worth giving herself to…

That is definitely not me. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve her.

Guilt gnaws at my insides. I’ve never felt so guilty, so immoral, and vicious for what I did. I tried to take that part of her. Take something she treasures, and for what? A stupid bet. I’m a prick. I don’t even deserve her friendship, but I’m too selfish to let that go. Now that she’s in my web, I can’t release her. I have to keep her close.

“Maybe that’s just something I hide behind.” She shrugs. “Maybe I should just try to be more like everyone else and just get it over with–”

“No! Don’t say that. You are right. You should give it to someone worth giving it to. Don’t be like everyone else. Don’t ever be anything other than you. If it’s that important to you, then whoever you find will wait.”

She frowns, pushing her glasses up her nose.

“But you’re right, I’ll never find anyone if I stay hidden in my room.”

“You just need to come out of your shell a bit.”

“How am I going to do that?”

“That’s one thing I can help you with.” I grin, I owe her this. “If you want. If you think I’m worthy of being your friend.”

“Just friends?” She raises her eyebrows.

“Just