Now I never had, as the reader knows, either given any formal promise or entered into any engagement; and this language was all much too hard and much too despotic for the occasion. I replied –
‘There is no dishonour, no breach of promise, no desertion in the case. I am not under the slightest obligation to go to India, especially with strangers. With you I would have ventured much, because I admire, confide in, and, as a sister, I love you; but I am convinced that, go when and with whom I would, I should not live long in that climate.’
‘Ah! you are afraid of yourself,’ he said, curling his lip.
‘I am. God did not give me my life to throw away; and to do as you wish me would, I begin to think, be almost equivalent to committing suicide. Moreover, before I definitively resolve on quitting England, I will know for certain whether I cannot be of greater use by remaining in it than by leaving it.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It would be fruitless to attempt to explain; but there is a point on which I have long endured painful doubt, and I can go nowhere till by some means that doubt is removed.’
‘I know where your heart turns and to what it clings. The interest you cherish is lawless and unconsecrated. Long since you ought to have crushed it: now you should blush to allude to it. You think of Mr Rochester?’
It was true. I confessed it by silence.
‘Are you going to seek Mr Rochester?’
‘I must find out what is become of him.’
‘It remains for me, then,’ he said, ‘to remember you in my prayers, and to entreat God for you, in all earnestness, that you may not indeed become a castaway. I had thought I recognised in you one of the chosen. But God sees not as man sees: His will be done.’
He opened the gate, passed through it, and strayed away down the glen. He was soon out of sight.
On re-entering the parlour, I found Diana standing at the window, looking very thoughtful. Diana was a great deal taller than I: she put her hand on my shoulder, and, stooping, examined my face.
‘Jane,’ she said, ‘you are always agitated and pale now. I am sure there is something the matter. Tell me what business St John and you have on hands. I have watched you this half-hour from the window; you must forgive my being such a spy, but for a long time I have fancied I hardly know what. St John is a strange being—’
She paused – I did not speak: soon she resumed –
‘That brother of mine cherishes peculiar views of some sort respecting you, I am sure: he has long distinguished you by a notice and interest he never showed to anyone else – to what end? I wish he loved you – does he, Jane?’
I put her cool hand to my hot forehead; ‘No, Die, not one whit.’
‘Then why does he follow you so with his eyes, and get you so frequently alone with him, and keep you so continually at his side? Mary and I had both concluded he wished you to marry him.’
‘He does – he has asked me to be his wife.’
Diana clapped her hands. ‘That is just what we hoped and thought! And you will marry him, Jane, won’t you? And then he will stay in England.’
‘Far from that, Diana; his sole idea in proposing to me is to procure a fitting fellow-labourer in his Indian toils.’
‘What! He wishes you to go to India?’
‘Yes.’
‘Madness!’ she exclaimed. ‘You would not live three months there, I am certain. You never shall go: you have not consented, have you, Jane?’
‘I have refused to marry him—’
‘And have consequently displeased him?’ she suggested.
‘Deeply: he will never forgive me, I fear: yet I offered to accompany him as his sister.’
‘It was frantic folly to do so, Jane. Think of the task you undertook – one of incessant fatigue, where fatigue kills even the strong, and you are weak. St John – you know him – would urge you to impossibilities: with him there would be no permission to rest during the hot hours; and unfortunately, I have noticed, whatever he exacts, you force yourself to perform. I am astonished you found courage to refuse his hand. You do not love him then, Jane?’
‘Not as a husband.’
‘Yet he is a handsome fellow.’
‘And I am so plain, you see, Die. We should never suit.’