Jane Davey’s Locket by Eve Langlais Page 0,3
it.
“I’m not going to fall in love just because you cast a spell.” I didn’t care how good of a witch Grandma was. She wasn’t the only one with power.
“You’re so adorable when you defy me.” Being shorter than me by almost a foot didn’t stop Grandma from grabbing my cheeks and pinching them.
“Ow! Stop that. I’m a grown woman!” I could screech all I wanted, she still treated me like a kid.
“You will always be my chubby-wubby Janey,” she cooed.
Ugh.
“You know, there’s a place you can send senile old witches,” I threatened and then forgave her when she ladled out a bowl of yummy stew.
Sipping at it, I unabashedly groaned at the salty tang with a hint of red wine, oregano, and meat that melted in my mouth. Now distracted, I barely paid her any mind as she babbled.
“…we set sail in the morning.”
My spoon paused halfway to my mouth. “Excuse me? I think I misunderstood. What sale are we going to? And what are we buying?”
“Sail, as in on a boat. A big one.” Grandma stretched her arms wide, which—given her diminutive stature—wasn’t really impressive. “You and I are going on a cruise.” The pamphlet fluttered from the ceiling, and I caught it, immediately noticing the caption across the top.
“Hell Cruise is offering an adventure on the high seas experience. Not exactly a selling point,” I muttered.
“You didn’t really expect me to book something with mundane folk, did you?” Grandma’s lip curled.
I kept reading, and my brows crawled up my forehead with each new line.
Hell Hub Travel is delighted to offer a new kind of pleasure cruise specially designed for the non-mundane inhabitants of the accessible planes.
Expect magical turndown service. Each room comes with its own maid/butler. Freeing them will result in replacement fees.
We offer catered meals* for even the most discerning palate. (*Please advise us ahead of time of special dietary requirements. Extra costs for those requiring fresh, vegan, mundane blood.)
Numerous pools to choose from: boiling hot springs, mud, gelatin, and even a lava tub.
Onboard activities include shuffle head, midnight yoga, and massages and facials from a jar or spat straight from the source.
Exciting destinations. Each cruise through the Bermuda Triangle will feature numerous ports of call such as Mermaid Bay, Siren Isle***, Atlantis (if it’s not lost again) and if the seas decide to tip us over, an up-close look at DJ's Locker.
***Please note we are not responsible for the loss of any male companions or family members who choose to follow a siren’s song.
Relax in our varied staterooms, from windowless for the daylight-challenged, to the opulent Princess Suite with an ocean-view balcony.
I paused in my reading. “I don’t suppose you doled out for a suite?”
“Bah. Why spend all that extra money on a room we’ll be using only for sleep?”
“You’re a cheap old witch,” I grumbled.
“The stingiest,” she agreed with a nod and a smile. “I can’t wait to relax on deck. Maybe spell a few pool boys to rub my feet and grease other parts.”
“Grandma!” I blinked at her language. “What happened to being a lady?”
“Really, Jane, get your mind out of the gutter. Nothing wrong with asking for help for the hard-to-reach spots.”
“But you implied…” Sometimes, dealing with my grandmother could confuse. One minute, she made pot cookies and wore halter tops with hoop earrings. The next, she acted like G-strings were the most sinful thing ever. Which didn’t explain the drawerful she kept.
“And this is why you need a husband. Look at how your mind keeps wandering in dirty directions.”
“Not my fault. Blame Mom and Dad. Hard to be a prude when you were conceived in front of a crowd.”
“Really, Jane. Must you bring that up?” Grandma tsked as I reminded her of my parents’ courtship.
My dad, being a pirate, had kidnapped my mother. They’d fought. My mom had refused to give in, which in turn drove my father wild. He had her chained in his room when he left the ship to get drunk in a tavern.
An enemy of my dad’s snuck on board and stole her. My father then went to her rescue and slaughtered everyone in his way. Mom said it was the most romantic thing ever.
Things got a little hot when they finally reunited. As in, on the deck, practically on top of the bodies of Dad’s enemies, in full view of his crew. Who then all died because they’d seen Mom naked.
My dad has a jealous streak.
Probably why he didn’t mind them living at the bottom of