It's My Life - Stacie Ramey Page 0,55

the ticking clock. If I don’t leave soon, I’ll be so tempted to chuck it all and follow him to his school, where he’s gotten a spot on the hockey team. But then I’d realize that wouldn’t be good for either of us. The Jennifer I would be would need to get back to my school, back to my life and my purpose.

So I’d hold his face in mine. I’d look into his eyes, hazel rimmed with brown, with the gold flames jutting out from the center. I would bring his lips closer to mine and everything else would stop existing. It would just be the air and the space between our lips, then the feel of his lips on mine, the explosion when my tongue presses against his. We’d be some kind of electric circuit, the power pulsing through us.

Our feelings would generate more feelings until there would be so many feelings there wouldn’t be enough room in the world for them. And then my cell would beep. An alarm. Reminding me that I have to leave. And I’d pull my lips away from his. I’d feel the release of breath that would become air. He’d make a tiny moaning sound. A small complaint. And that would make me smile. “There will be more where that came from. In two short months.”

And he’d pretend to push his head in with both of his hands. Like it was going to explode. And I’d laugh and kiss him again. Then turn away and open the door. And the sound of the door handle opening feels so real that my hand is still making that motion as Mom comes in and says, “Oh no, are you having spasms? Do you think it’s a seizure?”

And I’d remember where I really am. Stuck in this house. In my bedroom, gathering my strength to do battle on the latest front.

I will not go to a rehab center.

“Let’s get you back to bed. I know you’re disappointed, that you wanted to go back to school, but it’s going to be fine.”

“Is that what you think I’m upset about? I heard what you and Dr. Rodriguez were talking about.”

Mom helps smooth out the covers, then pulls them back. She’s been doing this same routine for years.

It’s like a calming rhythm, only this isn’t the time to get calm.

“It was just a suggestion. I’m not saying we’re going to do it.”

“Right,” I say, “because we don’t get to decide. I do.”

“Well, my dear, if you’d like to prove the doctor wrong, why don’t you start resting now and hope that speeds the healing process?” She hands me a pill.

I take it, but make a mental note to check back in with Uncle Steve when I wake up. By the time Mom leaves the room, I feel these tiny places on my body heat up like they’re being stung by a million bees. Then cool down. It feels like I’m flying, and I struggle to open my eyes.

But I can’t, and I kind of don’t care. It’s such a relief not to be in my body anymore. So I let go and let myself be Jennifer on her way back to college. She’s on the train, and she’s tired and sad from already missing Julian. She closes her eyes and lets herself go. And then she is free and so am I. And it’s so easy.

* * *

Monday, 7:25 A.M.

I think we should meet.

7:30 A.M.

I mean, we don’t have to. If you don’t want to.

7:33 A.M.

Omg I made you mad.

8:40 A.M.

I’m sorry!

10:05 A.M.

Don’t hate me!

11:13 A.M.

I’m sorry.

Home sick.

Just woke up.

Phew. I mean, I’m not glad you’re sick, but I thought you were mad at me.

I’m not mad.

So what do you think?

About?

About meeting.

Oh. That.

Yeah. That.

Well, I really like the way things are going. You know, the way it is now.

And meeting would change that?

Maybe.

Why?

I don’t know. It’s just…

So meet me. Are you going to Hockey Homecoming in a few weeks?

I’ve never gone before.

Well. The players wear our dirty jerseys. Ok that doesn’t sound fun, but it’s a tradition.

Okayyyyy

And the girls ask the guys to dance.

That’s fun!

And if you go, you could ask me to dance, and if you like the dance you could tell me it’s you.

No pressure. Smiley face emoji.

You’re allowed to use the real emojis if you like.

No. I like our system.

So? Hockey Homecoming?

Maybe. If you win the final game with Danbury.

Deal!

Oh. And btw, I’ll Febreze my jersey.

Hand over mouth feigning shock emoji. Is that even allowed?

Is that