Mom was so calm about her betrayal, that Toni gaped in utter disbelief.
“So you did steal information from me?” Toni’s voice cracked beneath the strain of her fury. “You sold those horrible stories about my friends to the tabloids?” Please let this be a nightmare and let me wake up safe and warm in Logan’s arms.
“Friends? Oh please, Toni. You don’t honestly believe those people care about you, do you? How quick were they to lay the blame at your feet and have you thrown from their lives? The paper hadn’t been out for even a day before they sent you packing.”
“They are my friends,” Toni said. “You hurt them. And me. Was it worth it?”
Mom shrugged. “Not really. The paper didn’t pay us nearly as much as we were expecting. My accounts are still in the red. Susan far overestimated how much money those kinds of stories would bring. Hell, only one of the tabloids she contacted would touch them. Something about Exodus End’s manager having Satan’s attorney in his pocket.” Mom turned back to the refrigerator.
Toni clenched her hands into fists so she didn’t strangle the woman who’d given birth to her. “You’re so . . . You’re so . . .” There wasn’t a word to describe how she felt about her mother at the moment. “So . . .”
“I’m so what?” Mom said, her voice flat. Cold. “If you’re going to insult me, use your words, Antonia.”
“Self-centered. Self-absorbed. Egocentric.” Not strong enough. “You’re fucking narcissistic, is what you are! Do you care about anyone but yourself?”
Mom slammed a container of leftover spaghetti on the counter. “I did once. I cared for someone with everything that I am. But your father took my heart with him when he died on me. And it hurt so bad that I don’t even want it back. He can have it.”
She wiped the back of her hand over her cheek, dashing away tears Toni had never seen her shed. Not even at Daddy’s funeral.
“There are still two very big parts of him left on this planet, Mom. Birdie and me. Is it really so hard for you to see that?”
“I can’t let myself love like that again,” she whispered. “The loss is too great.”
“Is that why you push Birdie away? You’re afraid of losing her?”
Mom kept her back to Toni, hiding her thoughts. Her feelings. But her white-knuckled grip on the edge of the counter told Toni she was listening.
“She’s a blessing, Mom. She’s not perfect. None of us are. But she’s a loving, sweet blessing. A gift from Daddy. She deserves to be treasured.”
“I know that. Of course I know that. But do you have any idea what it feels like to be told—before she’s even born, while she’s still protected inside you—that you’re going to outlive your child? Told, before she’s even taken her first breath, that your baby girl will die young? Asked if you’d rather abort her than live with her disabilities?” Mom sniffed loudly and reached for a dish towel to wipe at her face. “I do. I know exactly what that feels like, Antonia.”
“You can’t focus on losing her. She’s here. She’s yours. Love her while you have her.”
“I want to,” she said. “But when will I have time for her? Keeping Nichols Publishing afloat takes all my time.”
“And your integrity,” Toni said. She hadn’t forgotten about her mother’s betrayal or how she’d been willing to destroy Toni’s credibility—her chance for the career she wanted to pursue—for a few bucks. And yet her forgiving nature wouldn’t allow her to stay angry for long with someone she loved. Susan, on the other hand . . . That bitch had to go.
“I apologize for breaking your trust,” Mom said, her grip on the counter slackening. “I knew you wouldn’t give us dirt on those rock stars of yours.”
Rock stars of hers?
“I thought it would be easier on you if we circumvented you entirely.”
Toni snorted. “So you stole information from my laptop for my benefit? Come on, Mom, how stupid do you think I am?”
“Yes, for your benefit. Why do you think I work so hard? Why do you think I’m willing to do anything to keep this company afloat?”
Because the woman got off on it? Why else?
“For you, Toni. I built this company for you.”
“But I don’t want it,” Toni said.
Mom’s shoulders slumped. “It destroys me to hear you say that. Of course, you want it. You have to want it.”