to be wanted by someone. I never want to be the person who someone settles for.
Slowly, I take a few steps back. No one notices when I pass through the kitchen doors and escape out the service entrance.
The further I get from the diner, the more anxious I get. Between wanting to disappear from the Dante and Delaney situation and worrying about what I'll find when I get home, I'm at a near jog.
Unlocking the door I already know the truth. She’s not here. She left me. With no explanation. Nothing.
Did I become akin to one of the places she needed to run from? More importantly, where did she go, and how will she survive?
I drop down onto the old sofa, collapsing on myself.
The heavy weight of tears stings my eyes, but the dampness stays pooled there. Thoughts of the past few weeks assault me—was there something wrong that I didn't know, and was she hiding something from me? Other than her sleeping way more than usual, I can't think of anything that seemed off… wait, there was the night I woke to hear her talking, possibly to someone. Who could it have been? I just figured she was talking to herself, maybe a new symptom of her psychosis. But perhaps not, maybe it was somebody, and that's who she's with. I never could make out anything she said, just the sound of harsh whispers and an undeniable urgency. Then an even worse thought comes—what if she didn't choose to leave, what if someone made her, or even took her?
The rumble of a car in the distance frightens me in a way I'm not familiar with. I'm alone now, so alone. Without the constant presence of my mom and the persistent need to take care of her, the sick game of 'what if' continues in my head.
I jump up and check the door to the RV. The only place I've ever really known as home, and the place that always felt somewhat safe, now feels like a tin can. The thin walls and flimsy door offer little to no protection if someone wanted in. I shake my head in denial and step back from the locked door. I won't do this. I'm not going to let this fear incapacitated me. I need to find out what happened to my mom.
I tried to sleep in the bed, but it was no use. Everything seems unfamiliar and I couldn't bring myself to be that far away from the door. Our things surround me as I wiggle into the small sofa. I take comfort she hasn't disappeared completely. I drape her thin teal blanket over me as I close my eyes and try to pretend she's in the kitchen, scrubbing the tiny counter for the seventh time today. I feel strange and out of sorts. I've never been this needy girl. I've always been the one taking care of her, now I actually feel like the seventeen-year-old girl I am.
I spend a long time telling myself to settle down, stop thinking. My body and brain need the rest.
It isn't quick, but sleep does eventually come.
I wake several times during the night, awareness making me slightly panicked, but I’m so exhausted I fall back to sleep almost immediately. The alarm that’s still in my room rouses me. I'm bone weary when I make my way toward the back of the motor home. School seems so unimportant right now, but I have no idea what else to do with myself, so I get busy getting my things together for a shower.
I keep my eyes open and searching on the walk to school, usually I keep my focus on the ground in front of me, but I keep thinking I'll get some clue as to where my mom is, catch site of her or something.
Unfortunately, I arrive at the school quickly and without any insight into my mother’s disappearance. Everyone and everything are moving along without a hint that my tiny world just might be imploding.
All the cliques are gathered much like last week and it's when my eyes land on Delaney that I remember what happened last night.
I was too concerned with my mom issues to think about what my little distraction with the guys might cost me at school since she caught me with them.
A groan I can't control works its way up my tight throat. Neither she nor the girls gathered around her have glanced my way yet. I wonder if she told