part of the turn is harder on those overseeing it than the person turning.”
The stubbornness on his face told her that he wasn’t prepared to entertain this idea yet, so she let it go. The suggestion was in his mind now and he would wonder about it, and hopefully, someday ask his mother. It might not convince him to turn. His repulsion was ingrained from a young age, subconsciously affecting his decisions just as her abuse as a child had worked under the surface all these years to make her avoid sexual situations.
“At any rate,” she said, dropping her gaze to the batter as she returned to the subject, “the hell for me was once the worst of the turn was over and I’d regained consciousness. The hunger was constant. I didn’t recognize it as hunger though. To me it was just pain. Sometimes it was just a mild discomfort, what I experienced as a mortal when I was hungry. But sometimes it felt like my stomach was eating itself. If I didn’t feed then, it would spread out and change, feeling as if my blood had turned to acid and was boiling all my organs.
“Those first weeks I always woke up hungry, usually just with the mild discomfort type of hunger, but sometimes with the stomach gnawing kind. Fortunately, Señorita Ana was always there with a donor, waiting to help me feed. At least, for the first two weeks. But the third week, she started coming later and wasn’t there waiting. I had to remain in my room and suffer until she came. I was never to leave my room without her. I was actually breaking the rules by going to visit my abuela.”
“What?” he asked with surprise. “Why weren’t you allowed to leave your room?”
“For the safety of the mortal staff,” she said simply, and deciding the batter was stirred enough, set the bowl on the counter, turned the oven to bake at 400 degrees and then retrieved the muffin pan and muffin cups.
“She didn’t think it was safe for you to be around mortals?” G.G. asked as he watched her drop the paper muffin cups into the muffin pan one after another.
Ildaria shrugged. “I was a new turn. No new turn is safe for a mortal to be around.”
“Why?” he asked at once.
“We don’t always recognize the sign that we’re hungry as a need for blood,” she explained, moving on to dripping batter into the paper cups. “We automatically reach for food, because the first hunger pangs are similar to the hunger for food and we haven’t adjusted to our new needs and their signals. Even the sensation of the stomach eating itself is similar to that of the hunger for food when a mortal is really hungry. But the acid attacking your organs feeling isn’t. Unfortunately, by the time you get to that point, you can be extremely dangerous.”
Frowning, she added, “But you’re dangerous before that too. Your stomach might just be a little uncomfortable, you think you’re hungry, and then a mortal moves close and smells lovely. You might think, what a pretty perfume. I just have to get a better whiff, and move closer. Maybe you hug them and press your nose to their throat and . . . your lizard brain takes over. The next thing you know you’re licking the vein pulsing there, or biting into it.”
“Your lizard brain?” G.G. asked with disbelief as she set the batter aside and popped the muffin tin in the oven.
Straightening, Ildaria turned toward him and shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know what else to call it. You aren’t really thinking clearly at that point. Some basic survival part of your brain takes over and goes after what you need. You don’t realize what’s happening and that you’re biting someone until the screaming starts.”
“Screaming?” he asked with alarm. “I thought you could control mortals and ensure they don’t feel pain when you feed.”
“We can. If we’re in control. But a new turn has to be taught that control, and that was why Señorita Ana was making me wait longer before taking me to feed. She needed me to learn to control myself even when the hunger had reached the critical point.”
G.G. considered that briefly, and then nodded that he understood. But then he asked, “That last afternoon with your grandmother—abuela,” he corrected himself. “You weren’t hungry?”
“Si. I was, but not critically hungry yet so I was able to control myself. However, when I went to hug her