Igniting Darkness (Courting Darkness Duology #2) - Robin LaFevers Page 0,48

a thin pallet on the floor of the queen’s chambers, I am not flooded with shame and regret at what I had to do. Relief, yes, for it took naught but a glimpse of Fremin’s soul to leave no doubt in my mind as to what he deserved, but I am also filled with wonder. Unable to resist, I rub the tender cut on my littlest finger.

Have I always possessed such powers, precisely as Father Effram has claimed? Or is it a byproduct of Mortain’s death? As if by leaving the world, he has left an empty space or void that pulls such power from me, much as the sun pulls the plant from the seed.

To waste such a miraculous gift on someone like Fremin sours my stomach. But it could not be helped. The risk of his soul never passing on was too great, the queen and her unborn child were too vulnerable.

Thoughts of the queen’s unborn child have my hand drifting to my belly and my heart yearning for Beast. For the comfort he always gives me, for his easy acceptance of who and what I am and all the scars that accompany that.

I take out the memory of him offering to marry me, handling it like a fragile sculpture of spun sugar. I was lying to him—and myself—when I said I could not bear the idea of ever belonging to any man. Beast would never think to own me. He considers his horse as a creature entrusted to his care rather than a possession.

The idea of being joined to him for the rest of our lives—for eternity—is nearly irresistible. To love openly and freely, and not care who sees or knows. To be at each other’s side, always.

But it is complicated, too. Not only in the obvious ways—my brother must give his permission for us to legally wed, which he would never do—but in subtler ones. The hand on my belly is one of those. I do not know that I can bring myself to ever have another child. This wound and scar run so deep, I cannot even hear of another woman’s pregnancy without suffering all over again. But if ever a man should be a father, Beast is that man. There should be legions of hulking young babes swaggering around on their toddling legs with laughing blue eyes and small lumpy noses.

I do not think I can do that. My heart is not strong enough to travel that road again.

* * *

In the morning, the servants arrive at the queen’s apartments and light the fires. I rise to my feet and slip out of the room. When my door comes into view, I take a deep breath. The next five minutes will determine whether or not I can wrestle Fortune’s wheel in my favor.

Are the two guards standing lazily on duty the ones who did not bother to announce Fremin’s visit before letting him inside? Did he bribe them?

At my approach, one of them looks up, his mouth falling open at the sight of me. He nudges the other guard to attention. “My lady.” He frowns. “How did you get out here?”

“I walked. I believe that is how most people move about from room to room.”

“I mean”—his voice grows more gruff—“we did not see you come out.”

I study them more closely, then shake my head. “I don’t believe you are the guards who were on duty when I left.”

“When was that?”

“Midday yesterday. I have been attending the queen ever since.”

“No one mentioned you weren’t inside.”

“You will have to take that up with your fellow guards, won’t you?”

The sentry looks over his shoulder at the door. “We thought you were in your chamber. We allowed Monsieur Fremin in to speak with you.” He reaches up to scratch his ear. “Although I guess wait for you is more accurate.”

“Hours ago,” the second guard adds.

My face shifts from mild boredom to simmering anger. “You allowed Monsieur Fremin into my chambers without my permission? And allowed him to pass the entire night? When you thought I was inside?” Righteous anger fills my voice. “Did you think to check on my safety? Or did you just stand here snickering at my loose morals?”

By their chagrinned expressions, I see that is precisely what they did. I press my advantage. “He and his men-at-arms have abducted my sisters and threatened my personal safety, and you granted him access to my rooms?” My voice rises slightly with each word.

“My lady, surely he meant