If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,79
don’t know if you know that feeling . . . maybe you feel that way about her.”
“Of course I do. That’s exactly how I feel about her.” I paused for a moment. Bird was really the only person who I had told how I felt about her. It wasn’t easy for me to share what we had, but I needed Jordan to understand. “I’ve had a lot of time to think in here. And I’m probably preaching to the choir, but I know how lucky I am. I don’t know what I did to get someone like her, but I decided that whatever I do when I get out of here is for her. It’s the only way I can keep from falling off the edge, because frankly, I don’t care enough about myself. But she deserves someone who loves her enough to keep his shit together.”
“Come on man, you’re worth it too.”
I chuckled softly. “You don’t know the shit I’ve done man.”
“I know you. Whatever it was, you are worth it.”
I wanted to believe him, but killing your sister and destroying your family can’t be undone.
“What am I supposed to do?” I asked. I just wanted someone to tell me how I could get her to leave me. But her loyalty was unlike anything I had ever known. She would stay because I saved her life. She would stay because she doesn’t leave people when they’re down. She would stay because she loved me.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“You want me to leave her, don’t you?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t want her to make the biggest mistake of her life.”
“Me.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“No, it’s okay. I get it. It comes down to me or the tour. And I understand that it’s nothing personal.”
ASH
Privileges. I had taken them for granted, but being in this place reminded me of all the ones I had. The many I had squandered.
Using the phone was a privilege I had to earn back. It made me whittle down who was important to me.
Bird was always the first person I called when I could get to a phone.
“Hey,” she said. I could hear her smile.
“Hey.”
“How’s it going?”
“Good. I can’t wait to get out. I might go crazy again just from having to stare at these walls.” Ah, psych ward humor.
“I don’t like when you joke about going crazy.”
“Humor is the best remedy.”
“I guess. So, any word on when you get to blow that popsicle stand?”
“I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I guess he’ll evaluate me. Then there’s me dealing with that whole busting the store window. Miller’s on it though. He thinks I won’t go to jail, just pay a fine, given my . . . condition.”
“Hmmm . . . Well, you know what would make me happy?”
“What’s that?”
“You making it out in time for the show on Friday night. I have a ticket for you at the “will call” window. Kind of like Field of Dreams, if you put it in will call, they will come.”
“So you mentioned last time the show was sold out. That’s good. Any idea if that means you have something permanent? That would be nice, not having to worry about the next job.”
There was a pause. Something I probably wouldn’t have noticed had I not been given the insider info from Jordan.
“Still waiting to hear. Everyone is just focused on nailing the LA run.”
Bird was one of the most open people I had ever met, but she was lying to me because she feared I couldn’t handle the truth. Bird was brave and now she was scared.
“I’m sure something else will come.”
“Yeah,” her voice was tentative. Bird wasn’t used to lying.
“Listen, I gotta go. I have a tantalizing lunch of lukewarm green beans and a dry chicken sandwich waiting for me.”
“We’re gonna fatten you up. I wish I could come see you this week, but with the show coming—”
“I wouldn’t want you to. Focus on the show. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too, Bird.”
I hung up the phone and closed my eyes, letting out gust of pent up misery. The only thing more difficult than what I was about to do was bury Sarah.
There was a heavy slap on my back that jarred me.
“Hey bro, ready to get out of here?” Miller asked. I had gotten the notice that I was deemed mentally sound that morning.
“Yeah.”
“I assume you want to grab some grub?” he asked. “And then explain to me why you wanted your discharge to be so