If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,76
probably wouldn’t even be in here.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t sure if I believed her. “Listen, I don’t know how much you know. But, as the mania snowballs, and I stop sleeping and eating, I don’t remember a lot. It’s like I’m possessed. My mind moves so fast I can barely keep up with the racing thoughts.”
“I’ve been trying to learn as much as I can.”
“I just wanted to say, if I said things that hurt you or did things that were mean, it wasn’t me. I know it sounds like a copout. But, it really wasn’t me. It takes a hold of me. It’s like . . . it’s like getting your jacket caught in a subway door and then it takes off. I have no choice but to go for the ride, no matter how crazy it gets.”
“Ash, I could tell you weren’t yourself. Even as it was happening. I’m not upset with what happened. Only that I was the last to find out. I understand why. But I was really scared because I had no frame of reference at the time.”
“I’m so sorry,” I reached for her hand across the table and she let me gently grip it. The physical contact was innately therapeutic, but it also taunted my rogue libido.
“So, I’ve gotten to know Miller a bit. He’s confident you’ll be out soon. I know he’s working on getting you just a fine for the window.”
“The window?”
“The one you shattered . . .”
“Oh, yeah.” That was temporary memory loss from the ECT, but I tried my best to play it off. “I should be out soon. He’s a fan of you, Miller.”
She began to play with my fingers with both of her hands. “He’s a good brother.”
“He is.”
She lowered the tone of her voice, expanding the width of the teal, seafoam, and indigo waves I saw while softening their hue. “Ash, I just want you to take care of yourself first. Like I said, I’ve been reading up on this. It says you need a good routine. A good diet. Minimal stress. The art can wait. I just want you to be healthy. When you’re healthy you’ll be productive again.”
I wasn’t entirely convinced. My biggest fear was that my art would always suffer so my mental health could thrive.
“My biggest fear is I’ll never be great again. That I’ll have to choose.”
“You can’t create art in a state of fear. You know that. You have to be open. Your synesthesia is a gift, but it’s you, Ash. You have the ability, synesthesia or not. And I think there is something out there, maybe a medicine you haven’t tried yet, that can allow you to stabilize without stripping you. We just have to be patient and proactive. You’ve only tried the lithium so far. There are so many options.”
She kept saying we. I was sad that she had internalized my issues. She shouldn’t have to deal with this. But I was happy that I wasn’t alone. She still wanted me, even broken me.
“But I want to be clear. I am here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Ash.”
The sensation of being swaddled in the plushest fur gripped me.
“God, you have no idea how much I love you. I’m going to do anything to make it all up to you,” I said.
“Do it for you.” Doing it for me wasn’t worth it. It had to be for her.
I nodded to appease her. Then I took her in again, particularly the view down the front of her dress.
“You look really sexy by the way,” I whispered. My ECT-stimulated libido couldn’t resist any longer.
“Thank you,” she said flirtatiously.
“I can’t wait to get my hands on you again.”
“Me neither.” It was fun to be us again. I had already forgotten about the gated windows, Formica tables and steel-faced orderlies.
“I think about you a lot when I’m here, alone,” I confessed.
“Oh, do you? So do I,” she smirked.
“Really?” I said, leaning in. “And what do you do?”
She looked from side to side with a mischievous smirk and leaned in. “I touch myself,” she whispered.
I let out a lingering exhale. I was getting an embarrassingly firm boner in the damn waiting room.
“I’m not wearing any panties,” she whispered.
There was going to be a helluva self-love session in my room later on.
I adjusted my pants under the table. “I’m so gonna give it to you when I get out of here, but if we don’t change the subject, I’m not going to be able to