If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,51

plans. I was just trying to get there and then figure it out.

When I got there at about five, no one was home. That was a relief. I didn’t feel like small-talking with Ella. She was polite, but her resentment simmered just beneath the surface. She married the good brother, the successful brother, and I was just an anchor on him. I was the black sheep. I was using him. I was the bad guy.

I slipped into the guest house and I didn’t even bother to turn on the light. Any plans to be productive ceased to exist and I slid onto the bed and slammed hard into a deep sleep.

A voice murmuring in the distance awoke me. As I rolled over moaning from the headache and disorientation, I realized it was Ella. She wasn’t loud, but she had this pitch to her voice that seemed to carry through any solid surface.

I didn’t know how long I had slept, but I was still tired and there was still light out. Tired isn’t the right word. Exhausted isn’t either. Because this wasn’t just a case of lack of physical rest. I wanted to disappear into the nonexistence of sleep. There, I wouldn’t feel pain, self-loathing, or despair. I would feel nothing. My brain was changing in a way that isn’t fully understood yet. It was taking me for a ride and I had to choice but to hang on. The first part of the ride was fast, wild, and frenzied. The second part was treacherous, slow, and arguably the most dangerous.

I was sick. It wasn’t a sickness that could be seen or measured with a thermometer, but it was a physical illness nonetheless.

My first thought was of Bird. I looked at the clock. It was ten in the morning. I had slept the entire afternoon and night and it felt like a nap. I trudged to the fridge and found some basics I could shovel into my mouth. I hoped a solid meal might help ease the lethargy.

Since I never switched on the light, I realized that Miller and Ella probably didn’t even know I was here, and for now, I was okay with that.

After throwing some toast in the toaster and pulling out a package of turkey cold cuts, I went to my phone. It was dead and shit, I left the charger at Bird’s place. I felt a pinch of panic. Did Bird think I left because of what happened the night before? I meant to leave her a note to tell her I would be at my brother’s, but my mind was so cloudy from the hunger and exhaustion that I forgot. What a fuck up.

I wracked my mind for her phone number, but I never had a good look at it. She put it in my phone herself and as far as I knew, her number was “Birdie,” which was what I saw every time she called or I dialed her. I suck.

It was Wednesday, and I knew she usually did a morning class and had a lag in the afternoon before working at the restaurant. If I left in time, I could get to her. Fuck, I have no money.

I opened the drawers in the guest house where Miller sometimes left me a twenty, but there was just loose change. He wasn’t expecting me. I knew by now he’d be at work. I wouldn’t be able to get back to Bird’s until, at the earliest, this evening. She would think I had just disappeared again, didn’t call her, and she would think it was because she cried. I fucking made her cry.

I thought that maybe in the main house, Miller might have a charger I could use for my phone. That would remedy this whole situation. Then I could eat, sleep some more, and make it back to Bird’s later. After inhaling two sandwiches, I slid the glass door open and stumbled out of the dark guest house like it had just given birth to me. Shielding my eyes from the sun’s assault, I trudged towards the pool, which was on the way from the guest house to the main house.

Ella’s voice grated at my throbbing temples. She was engaged in conversation, but I could only hear her voice, like she was on a phone. I braced for small talk with her.

Her shadow was on the side of the house, I could see it pacing back and forth, but she didn’t see me. Ella loved chatting