If- Nina G. Jones Page 0,103

to help him.”

“I can’t believe you,” I sneered. “All these years you knew this and you didn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me. He made his choice and he was gone. Telling you wouldn’t have changed that.”

“Oh my god, Jordan,” I yelled, balling my hair up in my fists. “Why do you think he was out in the streets in the first place? He saw himself as a burden. And you went over there and you told him he was a burden all over again. Of course he would leave. You made him think he was hurting me!”

“Wasn’t he?”

“Not your call. Not your fucking call!” I jabbed my finger at him. “What is it with men making my decisions for me?” I asked myself in despair. “Do you even understand how dangerous that could have been? I don’t care how normal he seemed. There’s a lot going on up there. Someone with his issues can get to a dark place fast.”

Jordan gripped his forehead. “I didn’t—he seemed fine again. You were my priority. I didn’t want you to have regrets.”

I laughed sarcastically. “You think I didn’t have regrets after he left?”

“If I told you right away, I was afraid there was a risk you might still quit and try to find him. Then time passed and I thought you had moved on.”

“Those were not your decisions to make.”

“When Ash left, you were able to fulfill your dreams. And now he’s back. Maybe this was meant to be. What good would it have been to tell you before now?”

“It would have made me suffer so much less. So many nights I asked myself why? Why he lied, why he said he would be there and then he just left. It’s because of you! You meddled. You went behind my back! And then you lied about it for years. You are my best friend and you deceived me. You watched me suffer and you didn’t have the mercy to ease the pain.”

“You lied to Ash, too. You didn’t tell him about the tour because you knew he would tell you to leave. Or maybe you knew he would leave himself.”

“Don’t you put this on me,” I snapped.

Jordan paused and closed his eyes, taking a big breath before opening them again.

“I’m sorry, Bird. I am so sorry.”

“You’re not sorry. You’re only telling me now because he might be back in the picture.”

“I’m telling you because I want you to have the full picture of the decision he made. I do think he loved you and I think he left because of that. I think that is the only reason he left.”

“Whatever, Jordan.”

“I really thought and still think it was for the best. Look at all you have.”

“God, you are such a know it all. You don’t have all the answers, Jordan. You think you have it all figured out with your perfect husband and your little Asian baby.”

“Nice. Very nice, Bird.”

“Five years. You held in that lie for five years. You never wanted Ash in the picture. You had your mind made up early on.”

“That’s not true. I liked Ash.”

“At a distance. And you of all people should know what it’s like to live on the outskirts of society. For people who don’t even know you to judge you.”

“Oh, so because I am gay I have to be the patron saint of homelessness?”

“There it is, ladies and gentlemen. How Jordan really feels!” I announced to an invisible audience.

Jordan rolled his eyes.

“You made Ash feel like he was a problem that needed solving.”

Jordan looked away in shame.

I walked over the painting and pointed down. “And that’s what he thought of you. You manipulated him.”

I don’t think I had ever been that angry before. There was always something that didn’t make sense about Ash leaving. It made me feel like I had imagined our relationship and how important we were to each other. Jordan held the answer to it all. He watched me suffer, and he continued to hold onto it. All along, he knew he was wrong for going behind my back.

“I can’t hang out with you today. I just can’t,” I said, going upstairs. “You don’t have to leave, but if you did, that would be great.”

“I’ll go,” Jordan said. “I love you, Bird.”

I put my hand up to make him to stop. I didn’t want to hear the bullshit. I really didn’t.

I went to the bathroom, ran some hot water and rinsed my face in an effort to