If I Tell - By Janet Gurtler Page 0,66

really, really early and tell me what he needed. “Do you need a clean diaper?”

At the bottom of the stairs, I lifted him in the air the way I’d seen Mom do. “You are so going to hear about this when you’re a teenager.” I sniffed at his tiny butt. Nothing foul.

I spotted a pacifier in the baby’s playpen in the middle of the living room. I hadn’t noticed what a mess the place was when I’d rushed in, but now the chaos struck me as odd. Usually my mom was the neatest person around. Baby or no baby.

I balanced my brother in one arm and reached inside the playpen for his pacifier. When I held it up, he stopped fussing and wrapped his lips around it. His little body quivered and shook, but he began to calm down.

“There. That’s better, isn’t it, buddy?” I looked around. “Okay, I’m going to phone Grandma and see what we should do.” I went to the couch and sat, settling him in my arm and managing to dial the phone at the same time.

Grandma picked up. “Tara?” she said, sounding angry. “What now?”

“No, it’s me,” I shifted the now contented baby in my arms.

“Jasmine? What are you doing there? Aren’t you supposed to be in school? I don’t want you missing more classes because of your mom.”

“Mom called me at school. She was freaking out.” I peered into the baby’s innocent face, wondering if he’d remember any of this. I hoped not. “Something’s wrong with her. She’s acting really weird. It’s bad. I think you should come over.”

Grandma made a clucking noise. “She’s fine. She just needs to take some responsibility. She wants everyone else to do the work for her. It’s not easy, but this time she can look after the baby herself. She’s thirty-three years old. I’m too old to raise another baby.”

“But she’s really freaked out, Grandma. I don’t think it’s normal.”

“She’s a drama queen. She hasn’t even named him yet, for goodness sake. Leave her with the baby. Go back to school. She’ll handle it if we make her.”

She was wrong about this. I felt it. “But I don’t think she can. I don’t think I should leave her alone.”

“No buts. It’s her son. She’s a big girl. You’re contributing to the problem by running over there whenever she calls. I want you to go back to school,” Grandma ordered.

“She called me and said she was dying.”

“I mean it. Go back to school. I’ll see you at home in a few hours.” She hung up the phone without saying good-bye.

I shook my head, angry with both of them now. “Welcome to our world, little brother,” I whispered to the sleeping baby.

I carried him back up the stairs and peeked inside the baby’s bedroom door.

“Mom?”

Her face looked pale and drained. She hadn’t stopped rocking.

“Why don’t you try and have a nap? I’ll look after the baby for awhile, okay?”

Mom’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t sleep. I can’t. I’ve tried. But I can’t.” Her voice buzzed with desperation.

“Well, you need to rest at least. Go lie down. I’ll take care of him.”

Mom nodded, looking relieved, like a little girl afraid of getting in trouble. “There’s formula downstairs,” she whispered. “Could you feed him?”

“I thought you were breast-feeding?” I asked.

“I can’t.” Mom wailed, her eyes wide with panic. “I’ve tried and tried. I’m a terrible mother. I can’t do it.” Her voice went up, and she started to cry again. “Everybody says I should be able to do it, but I can’t.”

“Mom, Mom, it’s okay. I just thought you were. It’s no big deal. It’s all good.”

She sniffled and tried to calm herself.

“It’s okay. What do I need to do?”

“There’s sterilized bottles and nipples in the sink. And pre-made formula in the pantry. Give him seven ounces. Don’t forget to burp him.” Her voice sounded methodical but almost normal.

“Okay, Mom. Go lie down. I can handle it.”

I waited as she shuffled out of the nursery looking older than Grandma and moving slowly down the hallway. She disappeared into her bedroom.

“Thanks,” she whispered before closing the door behind her.

I stared at the door until the baby spit out his pacifier, and a low-grade wail started.

I studied the little unhappy face. “You’re hungry?”

We went downstairs to the kitchen, and I fixed up a bottle. I took him to the couch and started to feed my baby brother for the first time. Gradually, with his lips still on the bottle, he fell asleep in