early for once, and I excuse myself, lock myself in the bathroom and cry. I hear the engine of Daniel’s car quieten down the road, blow my nose and return to the garden.
I should have died.
The words float amongst my blurred vision, the end of the sentence becoming hazy, the words becoming weaker, disintegrating and scratching against the inside of my eyelids.
I blink.
‘Do you fancy a beer?’
I turn to face her. ‘I’m not supposed to drink with the tablets.’
‘One won’t hurt!’ Kerry replies. She’s sitting in the pool with a cocktail in her hand and pulls her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose as she shouts over.
‘Sure,’ I say, turning back to Nessa, who has already begun walking back into the house.
A few hours have passed and we’ve had more than one beer. ‘Club Tropicana’ is playing on the radio and Nessa and I are sitting either side of the pool. I lean back against the plastic and watch the distorted image of my legs shimmer beneath the water. I begin chuckling as I talk about how Oscar pulled off his shorts and played in the pool earlier completely naked, without a care in the world.
Kerry is carrying a drinks tray towards us. She takes a glass and passes it to me. In my alcohol-fuelled state, my hand reaches out to take it from her.
‘Nuts,’ I say as I grasp the air.
‘Sorry?’ Nessa asks, swigging deeply from her bottle. I feel embarrassment heat my cheeks, but I giggle at the ridiculousness of my action nevertheless.
‘I’ve just tried to take a cocktail from Kerry.’ I shake my head and let the bottom of my body slide along the pool until my face submerges beneath the water. I hold my breath and watch as pockets of air escape my mouth before I push myself back up.
Nessa watches me with interest and then shakes her bottle. ‘Refill?’
‘Sure.’
She returns with two bottles, lime wedges trapped inside the neck. I take the bottle from her as she steps into the pool and examine the trapped fruit.
‘This is what it feels like when I see her and have to pretend not to,’ I say, tilting the bottle towards the light.
‘What do you mean?’ Nessa reaches over the side of the pool, grabs a packet of cigarettes, inhales deeply and exhales with a rush of warm air.
‘Like there is something lodged in my throat.’ I watch my finger push the fruit down the neck and into the body. ‘It’s only when I’m with her that I feel like I can breathe.’ I take a long pull on the bottle.
‘You know what you need? Rock, paper, scissors.’
‘What?’
‘Rock, paper, scissors. When I was a kid, my mum used to play it with me if something was worrying me. Whoever wins says something they love or that makes them happy. Whoever loses says what is worrying them or something that makes them sad.’
‘I don’t feel like playing a game.’
‘It’ll help, I promise. I’ve never played it and ended up feeling worse. Come on, it’ll be fun. Kerry and I used to play it.’ She gets up on her knees and waddles towards me.
‘What did Kerry used to say?’
‘Oh, we used to play strip rock, paper, scissors and she could always predict what I was going to do, so, more often than not, I would end up naked.’
‘Oh.’
Nessa lets out a throaty laugh. ‘Your sister didn’t blush that easily.’
‘Oh, shush. I’ve led a very sheltered life.’
‘Nonsense, you had friction marks on your knees a few months ago.’ She winks and positions her hands into fists. ‘Right.’ We move towards each other. ‘Ready? Rock, paper, scissors!’
Nessa is the paper to my rock.
‘Chocolate!’ she shouts. Then laughs. ‘You’re supposed to shout what makes you sad at the same time!’
‘Oh. Um, sad films?’ I reply.
She rolls her eyes. ‘Let’s try again. You have to say the first thing that comes into your head or it won’t work. But see . . . you watch a sad film but eat chocolate. Problem fixed. Right, fists up. Rock, paper, scissors!’
I snip her paper. ‘A tidy house!’ I say.
‘Losing things!’ We both start laughing. ‘You see how it works!’
‘Let’s go again.’
This time my scissors are blunted by her rock. ‘Kerry!’ we both say. Kerry takes a regal bow and climbs into the pool.
We try again, me shouting the kids, her shouting Erica. At this point we give up and reach for our drinks as ‘Spice Up Your Life’ begins.