The Ideal - L.P. Maxa Page 0,54
kiss me. How did I stop that from happening? I stopped breathing, and my heart stuttered in my chest.
“Nate? What are you—” Before I could get another word out, his lips met mine. My stomach dropped, and I pulled back, shaking my head.
“What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? What wasn’t wrong.
We’d never kissed on the mouth before. All these years his casual affection had become part of our relationship. Maybe I should’ve stopped him from holding my hand and kissing my forehead. Maybe in his mind this was a natural progression from small gestures to more obvious ones. In my mind, it was the last thing I wanted to happen.
“Nate, I’m, uh... Don’t do that, okay?” Even in defending myself I wasn’t assertive. I was still trying to save his feelings and his pride. I didn’t want to hurt him, ever, but that was what got me into this mess in the first place.
Total irony: I could tell Jeremy anything and he was cool with it. Wanted it. He insisted I never hold back with him.
“You’ve never stopped me before.” He didn’t seem wounded, more like he was confused.
I was guessing he thought his friendly kisses and touches meant more. Which meant, when I hadn’t stopped him, I’d done this to him, and to myself. I felt as confused as Nate looked. I was suddenly questioning every friendly interaction. “Nate, um, before, everything felt innocent.”
“Oh.” He’s brow furrowed, like he was thinking hard. “You’re not ready for that.”
I shifted, putting some more distance between us. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.” I willed the tears that were threatening to go away. I hated how sad and weak I felt and sounded. I hated that it suddenly seemed like I’d led him on. Not only was I in love with his brother, but I hadn’t made it clear enough how I felt about Nate for all these years. I hung my head. “I’m sorry.” I was so immensely sorry.
I was sorry that he lost his dad. Sorry I’d been charged as his watcher. I was sorry that his mom wasn’t strong enough to handle him, and that she wasn’t strong enough to demand he get help.
I was sorry that my parents cared more about their friend than their daughter. I was sorry that Jeremy washed his hands of his brother, moving away to college without looking back. I was sorry I fell in love with Jeremy and with the freedom he showed me.
I was sorry that Nate was hurting, I was sorry I was the cause of his pain. There were so many damn things that I was sorry for, and they were crashing into me over and over like waves of grief, suffocating me in their sadness.
“Don’t be sorry.” Nate wrapped me in his arms, kissing the top of my head softly. “Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay.”
I sobbed, his shirt absorbing my tears.
I knew I should tell him to leave. I knew I should stop leading him on now that I saw it through his eyes.
I was selfish, the new me was a selfish stupid brat.
I needed my best friend, the way he’d needed me all these years.
I didn’t make him leave. I didn’t correct his assumptions.
I let him pull me under the covers and hold me while I cried myself to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jeremy
Savy was sick. Or least that was what Nathan told me when he’d left for his evening shift at the gym. He stayed at her house last night and said she woke up with a cold. I made a silent joke about her being sick of him even though I didn’t really think it was funny. I hated how jealous I was of my own brother. I tried to justify it by telling myself I was in love and love made you do stupid things. No one set out to hurt him, to betray him. There was no ill intent, and I kept repeating that to make myself feel better. After yesterday, seeing Savy break down at the thought of him at Emerson, I felt a little out of control. Like things were starting to spiral and head in a direction that none of us saw coming.
I pushed those thoughts aside to the icky file in my brain.
I knocked on Savy’s door, deciding against the tree because it was still light outside and her parents’ cars weren’t in the driveway. I stepped back as the door opened, Savy was standing there in a robe.