The Ideal - L.P. Maxa Page 0,5
way, everyone had made a tacit agreement that I was Nate’s buffer and shield.
They never saw that I was drowning.
“Savy, I didn’t mean—”
I shook my head, forcing my irritation down deep where it belonged, where it’d lived for years festering. “It’s fine.” I reached up and pulled the long white rope, bringing the attic ladder down. I climbed up and turned on the light, then sat down in front of a stack of boxes my dad had put aside a few weeks ago.
The first one I opened had nothing but old bedsheets I didn’t even recognize. “Ew. Why would I want to take these with me to school? Who wants to sleep on someone else’s sheets?” I used my foot to shove that box to the side, making it the start of the donate pile.
Jeremy climbed up, crossing the space hunched over so he didn’t hit his head on the low beams to sit next to me. He knocked his shoulder into mine, even that brief contact made me giddy. Two touches in one day. I was going to combust.
He opened the box in front of him. “Books. Looks like a box of really old dusty books.”
I smiled and traced my fingers over the spine of a bound hard copy. “The Great Gatsby. One of my favorites. Keep.”
Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “You already read this one. Why keep it?”
I laughed. “I already read all the books in that box. I like to keep the things that speak to me, and all those books mean something different. Different but equally as special.”
Kind of like the Deacon Brothers. Nathan wasn’t easy to love, but that didn’t mean I’d ever stop.
Jeremy nodded and picked up the heavy box, moving it closer to the door. “Savy?”
“Yeah?” I was digging through a small box full of pictures. They were of my parents and me mostly, with a few of Jeremy and Nathan mixed in.
“Can I ask you something?”
I held out the photo in my hand, one of their parents with mine, it was taken a few months before his dad passed away. A few months before my whole life had been turned upside down. “Of course.”
He took the picture and sat down next to me, smiling, tracing his thumb over his dad’s handsome face. I knew he missed his father like crazy, they both did, and with good reason. Mr. Deacon was one of the good ones. “Do you want Nathan to go to Emerson with you next year?”
I closed up the box and pushed it further into the attic. I didn’t want all those pictures, but they sure as hell didn’t need to get thrown away either. “No.”
I opened the next box, which was full of stuffed animals. I kicked it toward the giveaway pile, the sound of it sliding across the floor grating my ears. I turned and looked at Jeremy, really let myself look at him. Which was not something I usually let myself do in case someone saw me swoon. Holy crap, he was gorgeous, and no lie, I might embarrass myself in public.
His eyes held nothing but curiosity. He wasn’t afraid of my answer, he wasn’t terrified that I’d say no and he’d be left to deal with the fallout. That made me want to keep talking, to tell him everything I’d been feeling. It felt like he was lending me his quiet strength, which gave me what I needed to speak my reality.
“Do you want to know the truth?”
He swallowed, his gaze still on mine, unwavering. “Yeah.”
I felt my eyes fill with tears, and I dug my nails into my palms trying to keep them at bay. “I need a break, Jer.” One tear escaped, and I wiped it away quickly. “I love Nate, you know I do, but I’m so tired of being his compass. His warden. I’m so tired of making sure he doesn’t get into fights or mouth off to a teacher. Going away to school without Nate is going to be so scary, but I need this. I’m ready for it. I want to go to parties. I want to date. I want to get into trouble. Not spend all my time keeping Nate out of it.”
More tears spilled free. Before I could wipe them away, Jeremy reached up and brushed them off my face with the back his knuckles. He left his hand on my cheek, the warmth from his touch seeping down into my tired soul.
“You deserve that Savy. You deserve that and