disappeared, her negative symptoms spiked big time.”
I’m quiet a minute, letting that all sink in. I don’t know a lot about schizophrenia, except that it can be very serious and difficult to treat. “That sounds really hard.”
“It can be,” Caden says. “I love my mom. She’s a really wonderful woman. She’s also really difficult to live with. And Windermere …” His voice trails off, and he looks around the film room. “We needed small repairs, painting, when I was in high school. She kept putting it off. She stopped letting anyone on the grounds when I moved to New Haven. And then she got the birds. I was so into my life at college, I guess I just ignored it my first year. I wanted to pretend everything was fine at home, she was fine. But by last Christmas, it was getting hard to ignore. And when Zoe disappeared, things escalated.”
“That’s why you’re home.”
“That’s why I’m home.” Caden unclasps his hands and lets them fall into his lap. “So, Anna Cicconi, now that we’ve covered every inch of my life, tell me something about yours.”
He’s right, I’ve been doing nothing but asking personal questions all evening. It’s almost nine, and we haven’t even picked out a movie yet. Before I can steer things back toward the Blu-ray wall, though, I need to give him something in return. A piece of my past. A little bit of truth about the girl I’ve been.
“Before I came out here, I wasn’t exactly in control of my life. Remember the other night in the stable, I told you I was taking a break from drinking?”
He nods.
“My friend Kaylee and I, we spent most of last semester partying. I was fucking up a lot, and I kind of started to hate myself. The person I was when I was drinking.”
“And who was that?” Caden asks. I take a deep breath, debating how much to show him. I might be killing any chance of us getting together, if that was ever even a possibility. But more than a boyfriend, I realize I want a friend. Someone my age, who I can talk to. Someone who might understand something about living with a past that’s hard to let go.
“The old me? She hooked up with guys she didn’t remember the next morning. Blacked out. Woke up on strangers’ couches. Got brought home in the back of a cop car on more than one occasion.” I pause, waiting for him to say something. Judge me. “My friend Starr, she’s been on her own since she was sixteen. I used to think I wanted what she had, total freedom.” I shrug. “But freedom gets old. My mom works two jobs. She doesn’t have time to babysit me. I think part of me was just trying to get her attention.”
“And did it work?”
“Not really.” I laugh. “But I got sick of myself.”
“And that’s why you’re here?” he asks, throwing my earlier question back at me.
“When you’re in charge of a kid, you can’t screw up. So far, I’m keeping it together.” Barely, I almost add. I don’t say the other thing, the thing he knows already. That in a twisted way, I’m here because of Zoe. But there’s no point in dwelling on that. No matter why I got the job, the fact is, I’m good at it, most of the time. I’m going to be good at college too. I can feel it. I’ve been out here less than two weeks. There’s still plenty of time to become a new person.
“I believe in you, Anna Cicconi,” he says, using my full name again. I smile. “Now, are you feeling more haunted house, possessed child, witches, or slasher?”
“Um, maybe we should save scary movies for another night? I’m kind of in the mood for something light.”
“Good call,” he says. “This did get a bit deep.” He leaps up from his seat and deftly pulls several movies from the wall. I review the options—a mix of musicals and comedies—and land on Singin’ in the Rain.
“Solid choice,” he commends, then gets the tech set up in the back. Soon, the MGM lion fills the screen, and Caden slips into the seat beside me. I kick off my shoes and pull my knees up to my chest, very aware of his hand on the armrest between us. He keeps it there for the entire film, doesn’t make a single move to brush it against my arm or curl his fingers toward mine. If