How the Hitman Stole Christmas - Sam Mariano Page 0,82

and I’m completely drained. I’m not able to fake very convincing smiles as we say goodbye to Jasper’s family, but I do try.

Maybe I shouldn’t care about keeping up his ruse. They’ll all find out we didn’t last when they never see me again anyway, but the memory of this Christmas with Jasper and his family in Stillwater… it’ll stick with me, even if he doesn’t.

I’m exhausted when we load into the car, but at least I don’t need to keep up a front once we’re alone. Jasper didn’t let me get much sleep, the bastard.

I was okay when I went to bed. Sad, but accepting. Resigned.

I should have known better than to get my hopes up. I should have known that a leopard doesn’t change his spots.

No matter how okay I made myself with Jasper’s past… it wasn’t his past yet. Because of his fears about my safety otherwise, being with me would mean completely changing his life, and that’s a hell of a sacrifice to make for someone you just met.

After the time we spent together over Christmas, I was willing to change my life for him, but I guess he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

I just don’t know why he had to lie to me.

I asked him if we were impossible. He said we weren’t.

I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him because I didn’t want to get attached, but he didn’t accept that.

I guess I thought it was because it was safe to get attached.

Turns out, it’s just because he’s an asshole and he wanted to fuck me.

I can let myself off the hook for that time. I let myself get swept up in the romance of that night. I wanted him as much as he wanted me. I knew better, but I did want him.

Last night, though.

There’s no fucking excuse for last night.

I push out a breath, leaning my head against the door and watching out the window.

I feel Jasper’s gaze flicker in my direction, but I don’t look at him.

Last night was a mistake. I should not have slept with him last night. We had already ended things, I knew the truth at that point. I should have said no. I mean, I did, but I should have kept saying it. I should have said it a thousand fucking times if I had to.

He just sounded so sad. He looked so sad.

I didn’t want to make him sad, even if he made me sad first.

It also didn’t seem like he was going to take no for an answer, and I didn’t know what that would look like. It wouldn’t have been like the first time in the shower, it would have been something else—something painful for both of us. Torrid and twisted, ripping even more holes in both of us than there already are.

Neither of us needed that.

I may have lost the battle, but I’ll win the war.

I took control of the situation, regardless of how it might have seemed to him.

He was drunk, anyway. Who knows if he even remembers the finer details?

I certainly do.

I’m not mad, though—not at him. I’m mad at me.

I’m aggravated because I knew from the get-go it would be a mistake to attach to him, I even knew what I needed to avoid to ensure that didn’t happen, and I let it happen anyway. Begged for it to happen. I could have kept things simple this week, I could have navigated these waters much more carefully, ensuring both of our needs were met—he had someone to bring home to his family, I didn’t get murdered and I had somewhere to go for Christmas—and then we both could have emerged unscathed.

He could go back to the life he leads in Chicago, I could fly back home to Syracuse, and our lives would have gone on more or less unchanged.

He says it was Fate that brought us together on the road that night, but maybe he was wrong. We’re from completely different worlds. We live completely different lives.

Maybe our paths were never meant to cross.

Everything happens for a reason, they say.

Maybe they’re wrong, too.

The car ride to Stillwater had its quiet moments, but it was nothing like the drive back to Chicago.

Jasper is comfortable in silence so it doesn’t seem to rankle him at all, but I grow restless after the first few hours of not speaking to one another.

It’s not an angry silence, necessarily. There definitely is tension in the air, but it’s rife with hurt and