“This is not the answer. The answer is to move in quicker, make this our home. Decorate how you want, buy what you want, or change what you want. But do not back away from me now.”
“I’m still here, Shaw, but this is what I think is best.”
“What about what I think?”
“That’s the problem here. You’re not thinking. You’re so worried about me, you’re not paying attention to the big picture. We shouldn’t be thinking about us, or me. Unplanned or not, there’s still a baby coming. A baby you will want to have a home for here in this condo. A baby your family will want to get to know. A baby you will fall in love with.”
“I don’t doubt any of that. As a matter of fact, you’re the one helping me to see reason. So why would you think delaying your move would be a good idea? What am I missing?” I bark a little too loud and watch the change in her body language.
She leaps up, and this time when she speaks, there’s no denying; it’s written all over her. Anger, fury, and definite betrayal.
“What you’re missing is that it’s NOT MY BABY!”
The words bounce off the walls, and I can’t find a response. Everything she said is right. There will now be a baby in this home, in my life, in my family’s life.
We’ve gone over this. For weeks, both our fears have been discussed, but tonight is different.
“What’s happening here?” I ask, scared of her answer.
“What’s happening is I’m mad! Finally, after all these weeks of letting the truth sink in, I’m furious. I’ve listened to you beg and plead for me not to leave, for me to give this a chance. Promising nothing will come between us. But you’re wrong! Let me try and explain, force you to see where I’m coming from.
“I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. Since the day you walked into that hospital, my heart has beat for you. Each trip you made home during college, law school, and even your internship, I fell deeper. I tried to stop myself, tell myself I was being silly and the young crush would eventually fizzle out, but it didn’t.”
She takes a deep breath and then continues to cut me.
“I knew you cared about me, knew you had strength to help me when I was hurting, and that’s why I turned to you. If anything, those few minutes in your arms was my solace. I’d take it. As pathetic as it makes me, I’d take it.”
“Bizzy…” I move to her, but she steps further away.
“Let me finish. During those ten years, I paid attention to everything about you. When I saw you with a woman, I hoped and prayed she wouldn’t be the one to make you fall in love because I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. Then I got smart and realized having you in my life in any way was enough because that’s how much I loved you. But now, even knowing how much you care about me, I’m not sure I can survive you having a baby with Sasha Crane! I lied earlier. Hell, maybe I’ve lied all along. I thought I could support you, be that woman to overlook an obvious mistake. Now, I’m not sure I am that woman because that woman needs to be strong and confident. She needs to be able to stand with her head held high, not crawl into a hole and hide from the embarrassment and shame.”
Every one of her words slices me to shreds. This is twice today a woman has mentioned embarrassment and shame with me in their life.
One I don’t give two shits about, but this one owns my soul, and I can’t let her go through this alone.
“What can I do?” is all that spills out of my mouth.
“You can respect my wishes to postpone my move. You can back off a bit, give me some space to think about my place in all this. Since the moment you told me you cared about me, I’ve been so wrapped up in us, but I’m also hurting. Hurting so deeply that there’s a hole in my heart growing every day.”
“Don’t you see? I can’t back off because my biggest fear is happening right before my eyes. Giving you space means you have time to doubt my feelings and go into your head. That’s not going to work.”