and changed, and drove away to the station to catch the train. She (Mrs U.) said she would be back late as she would go to the cinema after she’d done her shopping. Mrs U. has done this several times lately. She returned at 10 pm. Cleaner went home. (Mrs U. gave me permission to consult the cleaner.) Mrs U. says she didn’t go to the cinema, she didn’t like the look of the films, she just had dinner in a steak house. She also said she had been into a church to pray. She hadn’t bought anything (nothing fitted).
Mrs U. nervous and evasive about trip to London. Did she go to Newmarket? Possible (my opinion) that she goes to London to meet someone, doesn’t want cleaner or husband to know. Who? Lover? Not possible, she hasn’t the air, they can’t hide that inner excitement. Priest? Friend unacceptable to Mr G.? Doctor? Some sort of solace, I would say.
Mrs U. unhappy woman but wouldn’t unbutton. Loyal. Any wife of Mr G. liable to be unhappy (my opinion). Mrs U. doesn’t like having the cleaner around for so long. Mr G. insists on cleanliness. Mrs U. gets tired of the cleaner’s incessant chatter. All adds to Mrs U’s stress. Mrs U. would like a job or to do voluntary work. Mr G. won’t have it. ‘The children come first.’ (Mrs U. obviously very fond of the children.)
Mrs U. wishes Mr Pembroke would give all the family a lot of money now so that they would stop griping about it. She sees nothing wrong in Mr Ian, but her husband won’t let her talk to him. She could like Mr Pembroke, she thinks he’s funny and generous, but her husband ditto. She can’t go against her husband. She has no money of her own, I’d say. She’s in a trap. (Can’t support children herself, couldn’t leave without them.)
Does she believe killing Mr Pembroke could solve her problems? Does she believe if Mr G. becomes richer it will make things right? I could tell her it won’t.
End of enquiry.
Poor Mrs U. Poor Ursula. Could she have blown up Quantum? Perhaps, if she’d wanted to. She sounded desperate enough for anything, but if she had any sense, her desperation should drive her to beg from Malcolm, not to kill him.
I clipped Ursula behind Gervase: forever in his shadow.
I wondered why she’d married him, but then I’d attended their wedding also, and if one hadn’t in the past been on the wrong end of his glowing cigarette, one could have taken him as he seemed on the surface, confident, good looking, positive and strong. A rising young stockbroker. A catch.
I put Gervase and Ursula back in the envelope but they wouldn’t stay there, they stuck like burrs in my mind.
There must be thousands, hundreds of thousands of sad marriages like that, I thought, where the unhappiness came from inside. Probably one could more easily withstand disasters that came from without, survive wars, poverty, illness, grief. Much harder to find any good way forward when personality disintegrated. Each of them was disintegrating, Ursula because of Gervase, Gervase because of…
Because of Malcolm? Because of Malcolm’s boredom with Vivien, his affair with Alicia, his quick marriage to Joyce? Because of illegitimacy? But Ferdinand had been a product of the same process, and Ferdinand was whole.
There were questions without answers. The most likely answers were often wrong. I didn’t know why Gervase was disintegrating: I thought only that the process had already begun when we both lived at Quantum; had maybe begun in the womb.
I slept with troubled dreams and went to ride the next morning as if for therapy and release. Solace, Norman West’s word, met the case. The raw morning, the moving horses, the filthy language and the crude jokes, a daily fix of the sort of reality I’d chosen at eighteen. I didn’t know why I’d liked horses so much. Choice sprang from deep needs, but where did the needs come from?
I wasn’t accustomed to thinking in that way. I usually coasted along, not worrying much, doing my job, enjoying riding in races, making love without strings. Lazy in many respects, I dared say, but uncomplicated. An opt-out that had come to an abrupt end with meeting Malcolm at Newmarket.
It was Tuesday.
Ursula’s cleaner, I thought, driving back to Cookham, would currently be chatting away with no respite for Ursula until the girls got back from school. I wondered if Ursula was quietly going bananas at 14