And my lies worked, for once. I caught the worried glance Jared and Jeb exchanged. They hadn't thought of that-of my becoming untrustworthy, becoming a danger. Ian was already moving to put his arms around me. He dried my tears against his chest.
"It's okay, honey. You don't have to be anyone else. Nothing's going to change."
"Hold on, Wanda," Jeb said, his shrewd eyes suddenly sharper. "How does going to one of those other planets help you? You'll still be a parasite, kid."
Ian flinched around me at the harsh word.
And I flinched also, because Jeb was too insightful, as always.
They waited for my answer, all but Doc, who knew what the real answer was. The one I wouldn't give.
I tried to say only true things. "It's different on other planets, Jeb. There isn't any resistance. And the hosts themselves are different. They aren't as individualized as humans, their emotions are so much milder. It doesn't feel like stealing a life. Not like it feels here. No one will hate me. And I'd be too far away to hurt you. You'd be safer..."
The last part sounded too much like the lie it was, so I let my voice trail off.
Jeb stared at me through narrowed eyes, and I looked away.
I tried not to look at Doc, but I couldn't help one brief glance, to make sure he understood. His eyes locked on mine, clearly miserable, and I knew that he did.
As I quickly lowered my gaze, I caught Jared staring at Doc. Had he seen the silent communication?
Jeb sighed. "This is... a pickle." His face turned into a grimace as he concentrated on the dilemma.
"Jeb -" Ian and Jared said together. They both stopped and scowled at each other.
This was all just a waste of time, and I had only hours. Just a few more hours, I knew that for certain now.
"Jeb," I said softly, my voice barely audible over the spring's gushing murmur, and everyone turned to me. "You don't have to decide right now. Doc needs to check on Jodi, and I'd like to see her, too. Plus, I haven't eaten all day. Why don't you sleep on it? We can talk again tomorrow. We've got plenty of time to think about this."
Lies. Could they tell?
"That's a good idea, Wanda. I think everyone here could use a breather. Go get some food, and we'll all sleep on it."
I was very careful not to look at Doc now, even when I spoke to him.
"I'll be along to help with Jodi after I eat, Doc. See you later."
"Okay," Doc said warily.
Why couldn't he keep his tone casual? He was a human-he should have been a good liar.
"Hungry?" Ian murmured, and I nodded. I let him help me up. He latched on to my hand, and I knew he would be keeping a tight hold on me now. That didn't worry me. He slept deeply, like Jamie.
As we walked from the dark room, I could feel eyes on my back, but I wasn't sure whose.
Just a few more things to do. Three, to be precise. Three last deeds to be completed.
First, I ate.
It wouldn't be nice to leave Mel with her body uncomfortable from hunger. Besides, the food was better since I'd been raiding. Something to look forward to rather than endure.
I made Ian get the food and bring it to me while I hid in the field where half-grown sprouts of wheat replaced the corn. I told Ian the truth so that he would help me: I was avoiding Jamie. I didn't want Jamie frightened by this decision. It would be harder for him than for Jared or Ian-they each took one side. Jamie loved us both; he would be more evenly torn.
Ian did not argue with me. We ate in silence, his arm tight around my waist.
Second, I went to see Sunny and Jodi.
I expected to see three glowing cryotanks on top of Doc's desk, and I was surprised that there were still just the two Healers, set in the center. Doc and Kyle hovered over the cot where Jodi lay inert. I walked quickly to them, about to demand to know where Sunny was, but when I got closer, I saw that Kyle had an occupied cryotank cradled in one arm.
"You'll want to be gentle with that," I murmured.
Doc was touching Jodi's wrist, counting to himself. His lips pressed into a thin line when he heard my voice, and he had to begin over again.