orient myself. Was it day or night? How long had I slept here alone?
My stomach wouldn't be ignored for long, though, and I rolled up onto my knees. I must have slept for a while to be this hungry-missed a meal or two.
I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole-after all, I'd already damaged pretty much everything, maybe destroyed some. But that only made me feel guiltier about the idea of taking more. I'd go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.
I was feeling a little hurt, on top of all the big hurt, that I'd been down here so long without anyone coming to look for me-what a vain attitude; why should anyone care what happened to me?-so I was relieved and appeased to find Jamie sitting in the doorway to the big garden, his back turned on the human world behind him, unmistakably waiting for me.
My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing over his features.
"You're okay," he said; I wished he were right. He began to ramble. "I mean, I didn't think Jared was lying, but he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldn't go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasn't sneaking back there, but even though I didn't think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?"
"I'm fine," I told him. But I held my arms out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocked to find that his head could rest on my shoulder while we stood.
"Your eyes are red," he whispered. "Was he mean to you?"
"No." After all, people weren't intentionally cruel to lab rats-they were just trying to get information.
"Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?"
"She's glad about that."
He nodded, pleased. "How about you?"
I hesitated, looking for a factual response. "Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it."
My evasion seemed to answer the question enough to satisfy him.
Behind him, the light in the garden was red and fading. The sun had already set on the desert.
"I'm hungry," I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.
"I knew you would be. I saved you something good."
I sighed. "Bread's fine."
"Let it go, Wanda. Ian says you're too self-sacrificing for your own good."
I made a face.
"I think he's got a point," Jamie muttered. "Even if we all want you here, you don't belong until you decide you do."
"I can't ever belong. And nobody really wants me here, Jamie."
"I do."
I didn't fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didn't separate us the way he should.
Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.
"It's good to see you, Wanda," Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she spoke because she was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to be inconspicuous about it-pointing out that people wanted me. He wasn't making allowances for common courtesy.
"Did you save her dinner?" he asked eagerly.
"Yep," Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tray in her hand. "Kept it warm. It's probably nasty and tough now, but it's better than the usual."
On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the portion I'd been allotted.
"It's too much."
"We have to eat all the perishables the first day," Jamie encouraged me. "Everyone eats themselves sick-it's a tradition."
"You need the protein," Trudy added. "We were on cave rations too long. I'm surprised no one's in worse shape."
I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk-like attention as each bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ache to eat so much.
The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their hands-all sharing with someone else. Curious eyes examined the sore side of my face.
"Why's everyone coming here now?" I muttered to Jamie. It was black outside, the dinner hour long over.
Jamie looked at me blankly for a second. "To hear you teach."