me. I loved him for his heart and his strength. For his endless compassion and his unbreakable spirit even in the face of everything he’d been through. I loved him because he was the person I wanted to be, and I was a better person just through the privilege of knowing him.
I’d only been to the covered balcony once before, but my feet seemed to remember the way all on their own and I was down the hall and up the stairs before I’d even realized I’d moved. As the door to the balcony came into sight, I felt the pulling in my chest and knew that Min had been right, he was out there. I gently reached for the handle and pulled open the door, surprised by how warm it was inside. The balcony was entirely glassed in as well as heated, but I’d still expected it to be chilly.
I stepped into the enclosure, shut the door softly behind me, and looked down to the other end, where Alex was standing in the corner with his arms crossed over his chest, gazing out over the thinning fog.
I slowly walked toward him, not sure where to begin. He tilted his head, glancing at me as I drew near, though he didn’t turn to face me.
“Thank you,” I said, stopping a few feet away from him. “For Ryland I mean. You didn’t have to do that, I know it must have been hard–”
“It was nothing,” he interrupted, trying to smile. “Just a little tiring that’s all. Min says it will wear off in a few hours. Besides, he shouldn’t have had to do it alone,” he added, turning completely away from me, pretending to look out the back wall of windows, though I could see by his refection in the glass that his eyes were shut. “It was nothing.”
“It was something to me.”
I shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course he would think it was nothing – because to him it truly was. He was always taking care of everyone around him, always giving. This truly was his family and he would do anything for any one of them, and the fact that he actually thought that it was unremarkable, only made it more so. I knew how much he loved Min and Chloe, and enjoyed the antics of Mr Anderson and Mr Reid. I also knew how close to his heart the scouting he did was, and how attached he was to the Order and his overall life at the school. And of course there was Jocelyn, who I knew Alex looked up to and respected as much as any son would a father, and it was more than apparent that each and every person in this little makeshift family loved Alex as much as he did them. And yet, as I watched him now, staring off into the falling snow, for the first time I could see how lonely he was. He didn’t have what he truly wanted, what he needed. Even with all the people around him every day, when it came to the ways that mattered most, he was alone.
But it didn’t have to be that way.
He had me.
I took a silent breath and steadied my shaking arms as I realized it was now or never.
“You’re an amazing man, Alex,” I said, watching the refection of his face. His eyes popped open but he didn’t move. I took a step toward him and continued. “You take care of everyone, but who takes care of you?”
He cleared his throat, and it took him a moment to respond. “I don’t need to be taken care of,” he said quietly without turning.
“Everyone needs to be taken care of.” I reached out my hand, placing it gently on his arm. He stiffened for a moment but didn’t turn, so I stepped around in front of him. “Everyone needs someone,” I told him softly, “and I need you.”
He shut his eyes again and shook his head. “Becca, please don’t do this to me,” he breathed, begging.
“Do what? Tell you how I feel? You told me once never to apologize for that.”
I waited for a response, but none came. He simply stared out into fog. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. I remembered the conversation we’d had on the plane the morning we landed. The conversation about Sciaths and – weaknesses.
Before I could think about it and change my mind, I lifted