this for you to look at if you wanted. It has all the courses in it, and I was just hoping that maybe you’d think about it.”
I looked down at the booklet, not really seeing it. I didn’t need to see it. It took less than a moment’s thought to make my decision. Hell, maybe I’d known all along, but needed Alex to bring it to my attention, or maybe it was Chloe’s words from that first night telling me again to think about myself for a change. Either way, in that moment, I knew what I wanted.
I wanted this. I wanted Alex. I wanted our walks and talks. I wanted to be wherever he was. But it wasn’t just Alex: I wanted it all. I wanted breakfast in the cafeteria, and crazy rainy weather, and girl talks with Chloe. I wanted random games with Mr Anderson and Mr Reid, and grandmotherly Min.
I wanted to belong.
I’d spent so much time thinking about how well Ryland was fitting in, that I hadn’t realized that I was fitting in too. Hadn’t thought that maybe we both belonged here.
“I know that it might be hard to be so far from your mother,” he continued, talking faster than he usually did, “but if you go to Princeton in the spring, you wouldn’t really be home anymore either way, and I’m sure she’d like knowing that you were with Ryla–”
“Thank you,” I cut in with a smile. “I’ll think about it.” I took the booklet from him with a smile, knowing deep down that the decision was already made.
The look on his face took my breath away, and made my heart pick up in a way that was becoming all too familiar. Though, for the first time my swoony-joy was just a little tainted as Chloe’s words echoed in my mind: The only person a Holder can ever be truly happy with is their Anam.
Alex was a Holder.
“I’ve got to get going,” he said, unaware of my creeping disappointment.
“Sure, yeah,” I said, crossing my hands over the booklet, hugging it to my chest. “Be careful.”
He moved to leave, but paused, seemingly unwilling to go. Then slowly, he lifted his hand, and lightly brushed his fingers along my jaw and down to my chin. He smiled once more, almost wistfully, before turning and striding off down the hall.
I stared after him, waiting for the red to fall back out of my cheeks. I knew Chloe had said that a Holder had to be bonded to be truly happy, but who knew, maybe Alex could be happy enough with me for a while?
15
“Becca? Are you up?” Chloe called through my room door. “You’re going to be late.”
Ugh.
Was it seriously morning already? Impossible.
Alex had been gone for two nights, and I hadn’t slept a wink and a half between the both of them. Ever since my first night here, I’d fallen asleep each night to the sound of Alex’s feet gently thumping on the floor as he paced back and forth across his bedroom. I had no idea what was keeping him from a normal bedtime hour so often, and while I was curious to find out, I could never quite bring myself to ask. First off, I already felt a bit intrusive just listening to the sound the way I did, and didn’t want him to think I was an eavesdropper. But moreover, I was afraid that if he found out I could hear him, he would stop, and – odd as I know it was – I was comforted by the audible proof that he was still nearby, even at night.
However, ever since Alex had left with Taron to get the Reader I had nothing but a yawning silence each night, reminding me that Alex was gone and that I was very much alone. It was dumb that I felt as lonely as I did, with Chloe right down the hall and Ry only a few buildings away. Though try as I did to ignore it, there was an ever-present weight on my shoulders that somehow I knew would pass only when Alex got back. Maybe deep down I was worried about him, or maybe it was his company I missed. I wasn’t sure, but what I did know was that I didn’t like it. It was uncomfortable and, honestly, made me feel like a weak and dependent little ninny, and I’d be damned if I was ever going to be anything other than self-reliant.