street from Nate’s every Tuesday and Thursday at 2 a.m., but…
Wait.
Through the red-hot, shimmering haze of anger, and the fog of guilt and shame that still clouded his head, one word smacked Nate in the face.
Love? He was in love with Hannah? He was. In love. With Hannah. He felt his lips move slightly as he mouthed the words to himself. In love with Hannah. I am in love with Hannah. Am I—?
“Nate?”
He looked up to find Cheryl Brown, a woman whose son was friends with Josh, eyeing him warily.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”
“I’m fine,” he managed. “Just… a bit hot.”
“Oh, yeah.” She gave him a sympathetic nod. “This sort of weather makes my boys queasy. Sunshine, then rain, then sun again. Well, if you’re sure you’re alright…”
Which he was, technically. His brain was just struggling to absorb the fact that he was in love with Hannah.
“Fine,” he choked out. “Really.”
Cheryl didn’t look convinced, but she nodded politely and pushed her buggy away.
So. Hannah. Love. In. Right. Because that made total sense. Why the hell not? Why wouldn’t he fall in love with the most inappropriate, off-limits, sweetest, funniest, sharpest woman he knew? The woman who seemed both all-powerful and made for him to protect, the woman who—well. This list was supposed to be sarcastic, but it was starting to sound completely understandable.
Oh, fuck. He was in love with Hannah.
The school bell rang. The kids would be out soon, and here he was sweating over the fact that he’d accidentally fallen in love with the nanny. This was even worse than accidentally fucking the nanny in the garden. Because what was he supposed to do about it? He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t even ask her out, for Christ’s sake. As long as the power between them was so skewed, he couldn’t do shit. There was a word for guys who started relationships with women whose livelihoods they controlled, and that word was not pleasant.
It wasn’t as if she loved him. Fuck, if he’d thought she even wanted him he might’ve tried… something. But she didn’t. She didn’t. She’d compared wanting him to a fucking virus, for Christ’s sake.
A few classroom doors opened, and a handful of teachers led out their students. Just the sight made Nate relax slightly, because soon he’d see the kids—finally—and even if his brain was scrambled eggs right now, he always felt better when he was with them. Calmer. More sensible.
Josh’s class came out first, and Nate practically ran over at the sight of his son’s little face.
“Daddy!” Josh cried. He attached himself to Nate’s leg with an enthusiasm that made Nate both happy and guilty. More guilt! Perfect. It would fit in so nicely with all the… other… guilt.
He bent down to ruffle his son’s hair. “Hey, kiddo. Sorry I missed you this morning.”
Josh giggled. “You were snoring. Hannah showed us!”
He tried not to wince. “I heard.”
“Where is she, Daddy? I thought she took us home, now.”
He’d been hoping that the kids would distract him from Hannah. Which, now he thought about it, was pretty ridiculous, since they talked about her all the goddamn time. Because she was their nanny.
“I think your sister’s class is out,” he said, clearing his throat. “Let’s go and get her.”
“But where is Hannah?”
“At home. She’s at home. We swapped today. She took you in the morning, and I’m getting you now.”
Josh gave a cheerful, chubby-cheeked smile. “Okay.” He put his hand in Nate’s, as usual. Because Josh loved him. Josh trusted him. Josh had no idea that his dad was actually an official predator who did terrible things to inappropriate and vulnerable women.
Stop that. She asked for it. She literally asked for it. She wanted to.
Just like she wanted to be miles away from you immediately after.
It didn’t make any sense. Or maybe it did, and he just didn’t understand. Maybe loving Hannah was slowly draining his brain cells. But that didn’t sound right either, because being around her made Nate feel smarter. And stronger. And kinder. And just… generally better than he was capable of being on his own.
Which was when it came to him. He was thinking about this all wrong. He was panicking about all the variables when he should be asking himself: What would Hannah do? If she found herself in this situation, what would she do?
Wait, his mind supplied. Stay calm and wait. If she wants anything else from you, anything at all, she’ll say