he agreed. “No, I don’t, but we can get through this.”
My heart panged at the words. I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that we could move on. That what had happened could be put behind us. That we’d have a rough few months, and then we’d move on and be happy. That I could love Ash forever and never see or think about Cole again.
But that thought left me breathless and nauseated. It was impossible. Impossible to think that I would move on from Cole. It had been years, and my heart still beat for him. It still knew him as mine.
And worse, I knew that Ash forgiving and forgetting was just as impossible. It would be torture. An earned torture but one nonetheless. One that neither of us should have to endure. We shouldn’t have to feel this pain and see each other every day as we went through it. It would never heal. It would be a scab that we kept picking at, festering with the anger and betrayal.
“No,” I whispered.
Ash frowned. “No?”
“I can’t do this.”
“Lila?”
I stepped away from him. “I can’t stay here. I hurt you. I betrayed you. It’d be so easy to try to pretend that it hadn’t happened and forget about Cole. But we can’t pretend, Ash. The pain will spread like an infection, and we can’t treat it by staying together and hoping for the best.”
“I know that I’m mad now, Lila, but we’ll work this out,” he said. Fear crept into his voice, as if he was realizing for the first time that this might really be the end.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it.”
Tears were coming again, and this time, I didn’t wait to let him convince me otherwise. Because I knew he could do it. I knew that he could ply me with I love yous and I’d eventually cave. I loved him so much, and I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay with him here forever and find happiness again. But it wouldn’t happen. And I couldn’t pretend like it would.
I scooped up Sunny and headed for the door.
Ash chased me all the way to my car.
“Don’t do this,” he begged. “I love you.”
“I know. I’m doing this because I love you.”
“That makes no sense. I don’t care about what happened. We can get past it.”
“You don’t care? You should care. I can’t do this, Ash. I’m sorry.”
I extracted myself from his grip, slowly, one finger at a time. I pressed one more careful kiss to his lips. A good-bye that I hated saying. Then I climbed into my car and drove away from my forever.
31
Atlanta
August 16, 2016
Kristen yawned. “I hate days when we have to stay late.”
“Away games,” I said with a shrug. “What can you do?”
“Nothing, I suppose.”
We went out into the empty parking lot. Most people had gone home over an hour ago. But the training room had still been full up to a few minutes ago. The preseason had started last week with a win against Washington. The team was flying out tomorrow for their match against Cleveland, and I wasn’t looking forward to being gone on a Thursday. But it was football season, and that was how it went.
I’d been working for the Falcons for a year and had come to accept that this was how things went.
“See you tomorrow,” Kristen said, waving good-bye. “Say hi to that hunk of a man you’re going home to for me, will you?”
“Yes, I’ll let Cole know that you said hello.”
“And after the season is over, we’re going to get trashed.”
“The season just started,” I reminded her.
She winked. “I know. I’m already looking forward to the postseason festivities.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
Once I was in my car, I texted Cole to let him know I was heading home. He responded immediately. My phone dinging noisily in the car.
I’m making dinner, and we’re out of pasta. Think you could run to the store on your way home?
I responded in the affirmative and then drove to the grocery store. I should have picked the one nearest to home, but my favorite coffee shop was next to a grocery store that was a little bit farther away. The benefits of coffee outweighed the added distance.
I jogged into Kroger and picked up spaghetti and penne since he hadn’t been specific, and then I walked next door to the hole-in-the-wall coffee shop. When I’d been on Falcons cheer a few years ago, I’d driven out of my way all