I flushed at the words. I’d wanted to hear them. Selfishly. But did it change anything for us? He was still across the country from me, and I was still in school for the rest of the year.
“Lila?”
“Hmm?”
“You are going to tell him, right?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to think about this. I had no idea what it would be like when I got back to Savannah. Would I confess to Ash? Would he hate me forever for it? Could I survive his hate?
“Lila,” Cole said more urgently. He forced me to look at him. “You’re going to tell him.”
“I …”
Cole retreated like I’d hit him in my hesitancy. “Fuck,” he hissed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He shook his head.
“I am. I’m going to tell him,” I said quickly, watching him slip away from me.
“You’re not.”
My throat closed. “I am. It’s just … different than with Harper.”
“It’s not fucking different,” he insisted. “Except that you’ve known him longer and his sole mission in life is to ruin us.”
“Technically, you’re ruining him right now.”
“Fuck. Him.”
I flinched at the words. It was wrong to want them both. So wrong. And I couldn’t fucking change a thing. I couldn’t disentangle them. The last thing I wanted to do was go home and tell Ash what had happened. I couldn’t stomach his reaction. I vibrated with fear and uncertainty. I didn’t regret this, but I was afraid of what would come. How I would hurt Ash.
“I don’t know why I thought this would be different,” he said. Not mad, just resigned. He flipped off the bed and threw his clothes back on.
“Cole, wait … please. It is different.”
“Are we going to be together?”
“You’re in San Francisco!” I said, raising my voice. “I still have a year of school.”
“So, we’re back to waiting to be in the same place again?”
“You’re the one who left!”
“And now, things are different.”
“How? You taught me that long distance was impossible.”
“When we were twenty-two!” he roared. “I don’t know how we could spend all night together, wake up like that,” he said, gesturing to the bed, “and still think that nothing is different.”
“I do. I do think things are different. They’re more complicated. Before, we had distance between us, and now, we have relationships and years,” I said, trying to keep the tears from coming. “I want us, Cole. I want this. But tell me how it works right now because I don’t see it.”
“If you don’t see it, then it doesn’t work.”
He pulled away from me and stormed toward the door.
“Wait,” I said, the tears coming anyway. No matter how I’d tried to stop them. I rushed toward him, catching him at the door. “I don’t want you to leave like this.”
“I don’t want to leave at all, Sunflower.” He brushed the tears off of my cheeks. “You’re even beautiful when you cry.”
“Please,” I whispered.
“Maybe someday, right?” He brushed his lips against mine. “But that decision is yours. I can’t wait for you my entire life. I can’t sit around and hope that you’ll tell him that you choose me. And I won’t be second.”
“You’re not second.”
He met my gaze. Must have seen the sincerity. “Then, I won’t share first place. There are no ties here.”
“I know.”
“I love you, but love isn’t enough.” Then Cole yanked open the door and walked out.
And I let him walk away this time because what else could I do?
It was a tie. And no one could suffer a tie.
The flight home was long and exhausting. I picked up my car at the airport and drove home in a daze. Maddox wasn’t home when I got back. I hadn’t told Ash that I was home yet. Though he had my flight schedule, so he must have known. I wasn’t ready to talk.
I showered instead. A long, steamy shower to wash off the events of last night. Even though I’d already showered at the hotel after Cole left. It didn’t matter. I could still feel him all over me.
When I got out of the shower, I had a dozen missed calls from Ash and frantic messages about whether or not I was dead.
I closed my eyes in pain and then sent him a text back, letting him know I had made it and was on the way to his house. I would rather have an escape plan if I needed it. Having him here would only mean