Heartbeat Repeating - E.M. Lindsey Page 0,21
Avery’s doing what he’s being paid to do—to keep Alejandro interested. To keep him occupied. To find any and every way to distract him so Alejandro won’t think, and that feeling like he just wants to start screaming and never stop goes quiet. And it won’t last—it never lasts, but he can’t hate this beautiful man for trying, even if he doesn’t know why Alejandro needs him so desperately.
With shaking hands, he pockets his phone and gets out, walking into the Tesco just to give himself something to do. It’s so long before he’s supposed to meet Connor, and he can’t sit in his car and keep staring at that photo, and wanting, and hating himself for it. He can’t keep wallowing in this reminder that he should be moving on but can’t seem to let go even though more and more, he wants to.
He feels raw. He feels sad and achy and tired. For the first time in years, he wants a bloody hug, but there’s no one to give it to him, and the only person who might be willing to even consider it is thousands of miles away.
Shoving his hands into his pockets, he begins to peruse the aisles. Everything looks so foreign, and he’s well aware of the sort of person that makes him. An out of touch, spoiled rich man who has assistants for these sorts of things.
That hadn’t been him, once upon a time. Yes, he and Connor lived a very different life from most people, but having Gabrielle made him want things to be simple. He loved her too much to hand her off to nannies for longer than a work day. He enjoyed doing the shopping and spending the afternoon teaching her how to wipe the cabinets and mop the floors. He thrived on the way she’d laugh when the broom would bump the walls, and he’d chase her with the hoover as her scream carried through the halls of their home.
For them, living a simple life had been a luxury, not a necessity.
He wants that for Avery. He wants money to provide safety, not a disconnect from humanity. He’s too good for it. He’s too deserving of everything that being human makes a person feel. He deserves to be the sort of man to get his hands dirty so he can appreciate just how profound the accomplishment feels when it’s done.
And he’s lucky because Avery doesn’t seem to want anything more than Alejandro has given him. At least, nothing he can touch. He can see the desire simmering in his eyes whenever he’s brave enough to catch his gaze, but he can also see that Avery will never push those boundaries. It makes him ache, because he wonders if enough time passes, he’ll crack and give in.
He wonders, if Avery pushed, would Alejandro let himself fall?
Rounding a corner, Alejandro comes to a stop in front of a table display covered in little trinkets wrapped in ribbon. He supposes because the holidays are coming up, all the businesses are trying to capitalize on those last-minute shoppers who forget a co-worker or teacher. Nothing there looks really personal—mostly little potted succulents and boxes of truffles. In the very corner, though, are little figurines that look hand-carved. They’re obviously meant to be people with long, contorted limbs and pointed chins. He reads the tag and it says something about how they’re thinking men and you’re meant to keep them on your desk for when you’re having a bad day.
Something about them makes him think of Avery, even though he’s nothing like this. It’s not the way they look—it’s what they are. Simple and a little strange, and they made him pause and look—which is exactly what Avery does to him. He makes him stop, he makes him consider. He makes him want.
He thinks about the orca, and then suddenly a thought creeps up and takes over without warning. The orca. He’d fallen asleep with it in his hand—he hadn’t checked where it had gone when he got up in the morning. Panic rises because what if the housekeepers see it and think it’s junk? What if they toss it? What if…?
He feels the wood beneath his fingers start to give and he realizes he’s clutching the little figurine too tight. He stares at the table and tells himself to put it back, but he can’t. What he needs to do is buy it. Then he needs to ring his one of his parents and