The Heart - Kate Stewart Page 0,25

say give in to him, and I mean take it all out on him, girl. He’s hot, short-term, and seems nice enough. There’s never been a more perfect time for you,” Jamie said, giving me a wink.

“She’s right,” Jules said, looking at me with concern. “You can keep waiting but for what?”

I nodded, taking another small sip of my drink, not agreeing or disagreeing with either of them, but at the same time glad I’d invited them over because I knew I needed the confidence they were giving me. Whether I admitted it to myself or not, I was suddenly aware it was a big deal that I was considering being intimate with a man again. It was the last hurdle, so to speak, the biggest Band-Aid.

The truth was, I had spent a fair amount of time thinking about Jack in a sexual sense. I hadn’t worried about the lasting effect it might have on me if we were intimate or if either of us wanted more. The girls seemed to assume he wouldn’t be anything other than a conquest for me, and for some reason, that bothered me. Maybe because he was a nice guy and objectifying him felt wrong or maybe because he was the first man I’d really been attracted to since Grant.

“I’ve been doing some things on impulse lately,” I said, nodding over to my new car that was parked in the driveway. “I may need to reel it in a bit.”

“Holy shit, I didn’t even notice it,” Jamie noted as she studied my car then turned to me. “You are in the mood for change. Don’t let if freak you out, Rose. Seriously, you need it.” She looked back at my car. “I’m officially jealous.”

“Don’t be, you have no idea what I’m paying for it,” I said, wiping my hand down my face. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing right now.”

“Rose, you can either live with it or you can’t. Whatever you choose, we’ve got your back,” Jules said before sliding her sunglasses back on and resuming her sunbathing.

“Agreed,” Jamie said as she rubbed oil over her legs. “But if you pass on him—”

“You’ll be the first to know,” I said with a chuckle.

The girls packed up right after sunset and two hours of sobering up then made their way home. I sat on my deck in a comfortable lounger as I waited for Jack, staring at the initials carved in Grant’s tree. Tiny branches were making their way out of the etched writing, and I wondered if I should pluck them out or if the new growth was somehow telling me what everyone else was: that it was time to move on. I was ready, but at the same time in no way prepared to be let down. A majority of my grieving had to do with the fact that I had known a love so incredible, so unique, I was sure I’d never be given the same gift twice.

“You are every dream I’ve ever had.”

I shot awake in the deck chair as Grant’s voice echoed through my thoughts then shivered as I let out a pained cry. I’d just seen him. He’d just been there. Grant was just in front of me.

It had been so real.

I burst into tears and hugged myself, gripping the top of my shoulders as I began to sob. I barely heard Jack’s faint “Rose?” and was unable to respond, paralyzed in my state. Suddenly, I felt his strong arms encase me and didn’t think at all as I clung to him, greedy for the comfort. I cried into Jack’s shoulder as jagged pain coursed through my every limb.

The pain was so intense, I couldn’t believe how close it was to the same unforgiving heartache I’d felt the hours, days, and endless weeks after his death. It had been months since I’d dreamed of him so vividly. It haunted me as I shook in a stranger’s arms.

I couldn’t understand it. Why did this hurt so much more? Everything I loved about him had been thrust in front of me so clearly. I could still feel him all around me. I held on to it as long as I could as I allowed the tears to fall freely and let the hurt of abandonment have its way with me. I knew the pain, the god-awful pain so well. It had become second nature in the year that followed Grant’s sudden death, and yet it had felt like forever