Shame and disgust consume me but not toward him. My entire career, I avoided alcohol and drugs. I saw what it did to several of my musician friends. I didn't want any part of it. I hardly drank, minus a glass of wine or champagne on special occasions. Even when my management team turned me into a cocaine addict, I still didn't turn to alcohol.
But coke dug its claws into me. No matter how hard I tried to break the cycle, I couldn't. The more I used, the further I fell. And if I had walked out of the bathroom and Dirk had a pile of cocaine sitting on top of the counter, instead of bottles of alcohol, I'm not sure if I would be able to fight it. I want to think I'm strong enough. That enough time has passed being sober that I wouldn't even consider it. But Santiago proved how strong I am when he locked me up in a room with it. It's been over a year, and I still get cravings.
Dirk has never seen me high. He's not seen me snort a line or be so desperate I beg until I'm in tears for a hit. But he still knows I'm weak.
My stomach flips at the realization.
I don't want to be an addict. I want to go back to the time when I was the woman who didn't know what it was like to feel the buzz of the high or how it can help me escape or mask some of my pain. I would give anything to have never experienced evil or met my inner demons.
The ironic part is today I felt like my pre cocaine self. But I can't go back. I'm no longer her. As much as I despise it, no matter how much fun I have with Dirk or how long I'm away from the Global Leaders, I'll always be Zoe Diego, a drug addict.
And Dirk Zamora is a guy who has it all together and can have any woman he wants—one he trusts.
The truth continues to shred me, piece by piece, until there isn't anything left. I choke on my sobs.
Dirk slides his warm body under the covers and pulls me into his arms. In Spanish, he says, "I never meant to hurt you, my Little Diva. Forgive me."
"I don't want to be this person," I whisper.
"Who's that?"
"An addict. A woman you can't trust."
He freezes. "Is that what you think? I didn't pull those bottles out because I don't trust you."
I shake my head. "There's no other explanation."
He kisses my shoulder. "There is."
I turn into him and sniffle.
"It isn't about trust Zoe. I thought it might send you into one of your cravings. I only wanted to prevent that."
"Then why didn't you get rid of the things in your first aid kit?"
"I never thought about it. Do you want me to?"
"No! I don't have any desire to take any of that stuff. The only reason I think I shouldn't ever use it was because of my drummer friend Martín. He went to rehab for alcohol, and they told him to stay away from anything that could be addictive. He didn't listen and ended up with another addiction to pain killers. I...I don't want that to be me."
"So, isn't it good I tried to remove the temptation?"
"Alcohol isn't a temptation for me. I've never been a big drinker. I rarely drank and have zero desire for it."
"Really?"
"Yes."
He sighs. "I'm sorry. I assumed if you saw the alcohol, you would want it, and then you would be struggling all night. I don't like to see you in pain."
"I'm sorry about the other night. I shouldn't have told you what was happening."
"Yes, you should have."
"Why? So you can assume I'm going to take anything that could be addictive and down it?"
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to."
Silence.
"Zoe, tell me why you're so upset about this. I told you my intentions, and I hear you. I won't make the same mistake again. But my gut tells me there is something deeper going on here."
I swallow the thick knot in my throat.
"I want to understand why this is hurting you so much. Tell me," he softly says.