thing.” Doesn’t he see how excited I am? Doesn’t he see the fun in this moment?
His face softens, but his eyes are fixed on mine, like he’s deciphering something only he can see.
“What?” I twist my face.
“You’re not usually this… jumpy.”
“Jumpy?”
“Yeah. Like a puppy when they’re let off the leash.”
I snort.
Vas scratches the back of his neck. “Okay, that wasn’t the best analogy. I just mean that you seem kind of hyper. Not you, exactly—but something in your eyes.”
“I told you. I’m happy.” I shrug like it’s simple, even though happy is one of the most complicated things in the world.
He nods. “Happy. Okay.”
I sigh, feeling the balloon in my chest start to deflate. The slightest hint of irritation prickles my skin. “You don’t think I should get the tattoo.”
“I don’t think you should do anything you might regret in the morning.” He pauses. “But also, tattoos can be quite sensitive for a while after you get them. And I’ve heard from a few very reliable sources that you have a big audition tomorrow.”
The pressure in my chest eases. “That’s a good point,” I say thoughtfully. It doesn’t matter how good of an idea a tattoo seems in this moment—nothing is worth jeopardizing our audition for a place in the show.
I need to be in the healthiest place I can possibly be. Physically and mentally.
I let out a sigh and take a step away from the door, and the buzzing feeling shooting through my entire body begins to dull. Still there, but a little more silent.
“I’m sorry if I ruined your fun,” he says guiltily.
“It’s okay,” I say, fighting the sting I feel in my chest. I can’t help it—when I’m really excited and plans suddenly change, it feels like someone has thrown me from a building. It’s hard to find my footing again. It’s hard not to feel like someone personally attacked me.
But I know Vas, and I know he isn’t trying to be controlling. He’s trying to be helpful.
The problem is that my brain doesn’t want help—it wants to be enabled.
It’s not an easy thing to explain to people. It’s not an easy thing for people to understand.
Our footsteps fall into a similar pattern, and before long we’re walking through a quiet courtyard with old-fashioned lampposts and a cobblestone path.
Vas’s brows are pinched together like there’s more he wants to say. And since his hands are still buried in his leather pockets and there’s a whiff of tension in the air, the only way for me to find my way back to him seems to be with words.
“What are you thinking?” I ask. It’s a polarizing question depending on whether the person thinks it means nothing or realizes it means everything.
Vas lifts his chin back to the world in front of him. “I was thinking about what you said. About wanting a reminder to be happy.” He looks at me gently. “What did you mean by that?”
My feet close together, and suddenly I’m thinking too fast to remember how to walk. “Sometimes—” I hesitate, and then my words start flying out of me like horses at the start of a race. Like each one is in more of a hurry than the one before. “Sometimes the world feels dark and cloudy and heavy, like no matter how many times I take a breath, it will never be enough to fill my lungs. It feels like all the color has been sucked out of the world. But other times I feel happy—really, really happy. Like everything makes sense again and I know where I’m supposed to be going. Where I’m supposed to be. I have to do whatever I can to get there, as fast as possible, because it’s only a matter of time before the dark clouds come back. And I feel like I’m being thrown from one feeling to the other and back again. But sometimes when it’s dark, it’s like there’s a monster telling me it’s going to be dark forever. And right now, when I’m happy, I know that’s not true. I know it’s never forever. But when I’m there? When I’m low? It feels like I’ll never be happy again.”
“Does that happen a lot?” Vas’s eyes flit between my own.
I shrug like it isn’t a big deal. “I don’t know. I guess. It’s not really like clockwork, you know? It sort of just… shifts.”
“When you don’t see it coming?” he asks, trying to understand.
I pause. “It’s kind of like being in this constant state